Chapter 19 - The Life of Teresa of Jesus - Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila

         The Life of Holy Mother

               Teresa of Jesus

  The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,

of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.

         CHAPTER 19

 - She continues the same subject, and 

 -  begins to explain the effects on the soul 

       of this degree of prayer. 

- She earnestly exhorts 

       -- not to turn back 

       -- nor to give up prayer 

   even if, after having received this favour, 

           one should fall. 

- She shows the damage that would result 

         (from the neglect of this advice). 

- This is most noteworthy and consoling 

      for the weak and 

     for sinners.

-  The Effects of This Fourth State of Prayer. 

- Earnest Exhortations to Those

       Who Have Attained to It 

            -- Not to Go Back, 

            --Nor to Cease from Prayer, 

          Even If They Fall. 

- The Great Calamity of Going Back.
__________________

     Topics / Questions
        to keep in mind
      as we read along



 1a). What are the effects / benefits
          in the soul from the 4th degree of prayer?
              [ Life: Ch. 19: #2, 4]

1b). She continued to describe the benefits
          of the 4th State of Prayer
         (which she, one who fell into err, )
          was given by the goodness of God.

        What were these benefits?
        [ Life: Ch. 19: #9, 10 ]

2). How does St. Teresa describe
       what she sometimes experienced as the
      duration of the 4th degree of prayer ended?
          [ Life: Ch. 19: #1, 2]

3). What did St. Teresa mean
          when she said
       "... Tears gain everything..." ?
          [ Life: Ch. 19: #10, 5, 6, 3 ]

4). What was "one of the reasons"
        why St Teresa
          ...under obedience (wrote) this,
          and (gave) an account
             - of (her) wretched life, and
             - of the graces our Lord
          has wrought in (her)" ?
            [Life: Ch. 19: #  6,7,8,15,16,17,
                                      18,20,22,23,24]


5a). What was the significance of Psalm 18
           to St. Teresa?
            [ Life: Ch. 19: #10,11,12, 13]

5b). What was the 1st words that
            she heard God say to her?
             [ Life: Ch. 19: #13, 14 ]

______________________________________

1. There remains in the soul, 

            when the prayer of union is over, 

         an  exceedingly great tenderness; 

           so much so, that it would undo itself

              not from  pain, 

              but through tears of joy 

                    it finds itself bathed therein, 

                      - without being aware of it, and

                      - it knows not how or when 
                             it wept them. 

But to behold the violence of the fire 

                       subdued by the water, 

             which yet makes it 
                       burn the more,

         gives it great delight. 

It seems as if I were speaking 
         an unknown language.

   So it is, however.

2. It has happened to me occasionally, 

            when this prayer was over, 

          to be so  beside myself 

             as not to know 

          - whether I had been dreaming, or

          - whether the bliss I felt 

                 had really been mine; 

             and, on finding myself in a flood of  tears 

                which had painlessly flowed, 

                      with such violence and rapidity 

                that it seemed 
                      as if a cloud from heaven [254] 

                            had shed them 
               to perceive 

                           that it was no dream. 

          Thus it was with me in the beginning, 

               when it passed quickly away.

        The soul remains possessed 
            of so much courage, 

               that if it were now hewn in pieces for God, 

            it would be a great consolation to it. 

         This is the time 

              of  resolutions, 

              of heroic determinations, 

              of the living energy of good desires,

              of the beginning of hatred of the world, and 

              of the most clear perception of  its vanity. 

The soul 

   - makes greater and higher progress 

          than it ever made  before 

                in the previous states of prayer; and 

   - grows in humility more and  more, 

           because it sees clearly 

                that neither for obtaining 

                       nor for retaining

                     this grace, great beyond all measure, 

             has it ever done, 

             or ever been able to do, 

                    anything of itself. 

      It looks upon itself as most unworthy 

          for in a room 
                  into which the sunlight enters strongly,

          not a cobweb can be hid;

                  it sees its own misery; 

      self-conceit is so far away, 

          that it seems as if 

                  it never could have 
                      had any (self-conceit)

           for now its own eyes behold 

                - how very little 
                    it could ever do, or rather,

                - that it never did anything, 

                - that it hardly gave 
                         even its own consent, 

            but that it rather seemed as if 

                   the doors of the senses were closed

                          against its will 

                   in order that it might have more abundantly 

                           the fruition of  our Lord. 

It is abiding alone with Him: 

      what has it to do but to love Him?

   It neither sees nor hears, 

            unless on compulsion: 

      no thanks to it. 

Its past  life stands before it then, 

          together with the great mercy of God, 

      in great distinctness; 

and it is not necessary for it to go forth  

     to hunt with the understanding, 

   because what it has to eat 
           and ruminate upon, 

     it sees now  ready prepared.

 It sees, so far as itself is concerned, 

     that it has deserved  hell, and 

     that its punishment is bliss.

 It undoes itself in the praises of  God, 

       and I would gladly undo myself now.

3. Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, 

      who, out of a pool so filthy as I am,   

          bringest forth water so clean 

               as to be meet for Thy table! 

Praised be Thou,   O Joy of the Angels, 

    who hast been thus pleased 
          to exalt so vile a worm!   

4. The good effects of this prayer 

           abide in the soul for some time.

    - Now that it clearly apprehends

              that the fruit is not its own, 

            -- the soul can begin 
                   to share it with others, 

            -- and that without any loss to itself.

      It begins 

      - to show signs of its being a soul 

          that is guarding the treasures of heaven, and

      - to be desirous of communicating them 
          to others, [255] and 

      - to pray to God that itself may not be the only soul 

           that is rich in them.

      It begins 

      - to benefit  its neighbours, as it were,  

            without 

                      -- being aware of it, or 

                      -- doing anything  consciously: 

         its neighbours understand the matter, 

           because the odour of the flowers 
                      has grown so strong

           as to make them eager to approach them.

         They  understand that this soul is full of virtue: 

          they see the fruit, 
                      how delicious it is, and 

          they wish to help that soul 
                      to eat it.

5. If this ground be well dug 

              by troubles, by persecutions, 
                   detractions, and infirmities, 

              they are few who ascend so high without this, 

if it be well  broken up 

      by great detachment from all self-interest,

   it will drink in so  much water 

      that it can hardly ever be parched again.

But if it be ground which is 

              mere waste, and 

              covered with thorns (as I was when I began); 

        if the  occasions of sin be not avoided;

        if it be an ungrateful soil, 

              unfitted for so great a grace, 

                    it will be parched up again.

        If the gardener become careless, and 

        if our Lord, out of His mere goodness, 

              will not send down rain  upon it, 

                   the garden is ruined.

 Thus has it been with me more than once, 

    so that I am amazed at it; 

  and if I had not found it so by experience, 

     I could not have believed it.

6. I write this 

       - for the comfort of souls 
                 which are weak, as I am,    

       - that they  may 

                 never despair, 

              nor cease to trust in the power of God; 

       - even if they should fall 

              after our Lord has raised them

                    to so high a degree of prayer as this is, 

          they must not be discouraged, 

              unless they would lose themselves utterly.

 Tears gain everything, and 

    one drop of water attracts another.

7. One of the reasons 
            that move me, 

                  who am what I am, 

            under obedience to  write this, 

                   and give an account 

                     - of my wretched life, and 

                     - of the graces 
                           our Lord has wrought in me, 

            though I never served Him, 

                    but offended Him  rather,

    is what I have just given: 

and, certainly, I wish 
       I was a person of great authority,
that people might believe what I say.

I pray to our Lord  that His Majesty 

      would be pleased to grant me this grace.

I repeat it,  

Let  no one 

      who has begun 
                    to give himself to prayer 

        - be discouraged, and 
        - say: 

              If I fall into sin, 
                  it will be worse for me 

                     if I go on now with the practice of prayer.

 I think so too, 
      (that it will be worse for them)

    if he gives up prayer, and 

  (if he) does not correct his evil ways; 

but if he does not give up prayer, 

     let him be assured of this prayer  

            will bring him to the haven of light.

8. In this the devil turned his batteries against me, 

          and I suffered so much 

      because I (blindly) thought 

         it showed but little humility 
                  if I persevered in prayer 

                           when I was so wicked, 

          that as I have already said [256] 

             I gave it up for a year and a half  at least, 

                      for a year,    

             but I do not remember distinctly

                      the other six months.

      This could not have been, 
          neither was it, 
       anything else 

          but to throw myself down into hell; 

       there was no need of any devils 
          to drag me thither.

O my God, was there ever blindness 
       so great as this?

How well  Satan prepares his measures 
       for his purpose, 

    when he pursues us in this way!   

The traitor knows 
     that he has already lost that soul which
        - perseveres in prayer, and 

        - that every fall 
                    which (satan) can bring about 
               helps (the soul), by the goodness of God, 

                     to make greater progress in (God's) service.

         Satan has some interest in this.

9. O my Jesus, 

      what a sight that must be -
                 a soul, so highly exalted,
                       falling into sin, 

                       and raised up again by Thee; 

                       Who, in Thy mercy, 
                         stretchest forth Thine hand 

                                   to save! 

How such a soul confesses 

    - Thy greatness and compassion  and

    - its own wretchedness! 

It really looks on itself as nothingness, and  

       confesses Thy power.

It dares not lift up its eyes; 

it raises them, indeed,  

      but it is 
           - to acknowledge 
                how much it oweth unto Thee.

It becomes devout 
      to the Queen of Heaven, 

     that she may propitiate Thee; 

it invokes the Saints, who fell 

           after Thou hadst called them, 

       for succour.

Thou seemest now 

          to be too bountiful in Thy gifts, 

   because it feels itself to be unworthy 

          of the earth it treads on.

It has recourse 

       - to the Sacraments, 

       - to a quickened faith,  

              which abides in it 

                        at the contemplation of the power 

                        which Thou hast lodged in them.

 It praises Thee 

     because Thou hast left us 

          such medicines and ointment 
                  for our wounds, 
     which not only heal them on the surface, 

                  but remove all traces whatever of them.

   

10.  The soul is amazed at it. 

Who is there, O Lord of my soul, 

     that is not amazed at

            - compassion so great and 

            - mercy so surpassing, 

        after treason 
            so foul and 
            so hateful? 

I know not how it is 
        that my heart does not break 

    when I write this, 

        for I am wicked. 

With these scanty tears 
     which I am now weeping,   

but yet Thy gift, 
          water out of a well, 

      so far as it is mine, 
             so impure, 

 I  seem to make Thee 
          some recompense 

      for treachery so great as mine, 

                in that I was always doing evil, 
                     labouring to make void 
                         the graces Thou hast given me.   

Do Thou, O Lord, 

       make my tears available; 

       purify the water which is so muddy; 

 at least, let me not be to others a temptation 

       to rash judgments, 
              as I have been to myself, 

       when I used to think 
              such thoughts as these. 

Why, O   Lord, 

    dost Thou pass by 
         most holy persons, 

             who have always served Thee, and  

             who have been tried; 

             who have been brought up in religion, 

                      and are really  religious 

                  not such as I am, 
                       having only the name 
                       (she blames herself in the past
                           of giving only the appearance
                          but not the sincere effort)

        so as to make it plain 
              that they are not recipients 

                  of those graces 

                       which Thou hast bestowed upon me?   


              (She wonders Why God did not 
                 give special graces to others 
               who were always truly worthy
                 rather than to herself, 
               who had in the past, made errors.)

11. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, 

- Thou hast kept the reward 

         to give it (to) them all at once: 

- my weakness has need of these succours. 

- They, being strong, 

       serve Thee without them (rewards), and 

   Thou dealest with them as with a strong  race, 

       free from all self-interest. 

   But yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, 

     that I have often cried unto Thee, 

        making excuses for those 
              who murmured against  me;
     for I thought they had reason on their side. 

    This I did then 

       when Thou, of Thy goodness,

             hadst kept me back 
               from offending Thee so much and

       when I was departing from everything 

               which I thought displeasing unto Thee. 

       It was when I did this 
              that Thou, O Lord, didst begin 
       to lay open Thy treasures for Thy servant. 

It seemed as if 
      Thou wert looking for nothing else 

  but that I should be willing and ready 
      to receive them; 

  accordingly, Thou didst begin at once, 

        not only to give them, 

        but also to make others know 

                that Thou wert giving them.   

12. When this was known, 

      there began to prevail a good opinion of her, 

         of  whom all had not yet clearly understood 

               how wicked she was, 

         though much of that wickedness 
                was plain enough. 

   Calumny and persecution began at once,   

            and, as I think, with good reason; 

        so I looked on none of them as an enemy,   

    but made my supplications to Thee, 

        imploring Thee to consider the grounds they had. 

They said 

     that I wished to be a saint, and 

     that I invented novelties; 

but I had not then attained in many things 

      even to the observance of my rule; 

nor had I come near those excellent and holy nuns 

       who were in the house,  

       and I do not believe I ever shall, 

            if God of His goodness 
        will not do that for me Himself; 

       on the contrary, I was there only 

            to do away with what was good, and 

            introduce customs which were not good; 

        at least, I did what I could to bring them in, 

            and I was very powerful for evil. 

        Thus it  was that they were blameless, 

            when they blamed me. 

         I do not mean the nuns only, 

             but the others as well: 

                   they told me truths; 

             for it was Thy will.   

13. I was once saying the Office,  

          I had had this temptation for some time,  and 

    when I came to these words, 

       "Justus es, Domine, et rectum judicium   tuum," [257] 

Psalm 118 vs 137 Douay_Rheims; Psalm 119 vs 137 137 You are just, O Lord:            and your judgment is right. 138 You have commanded justice your testimonies:            and your truth exceedingly. 139 My zeal has made me pine away:            because my enemies forgot your words. 140 Your word is exceedingly refined:             and your servant has loved it. 141 I am very young and despised;             but I forget not your justifications. 142 Your justice is justice for ever:             and your law is the truth. 143 Trouble and anguish have found me:             your commandments are my meditation. 144 Your testimonies are justice for ever:              give me understanding, and I shall live.

I began to think what a deep truth it was. 

Satan never was  strong enough 

      to tempt me in any way 
   to doubt 

             of Thy goodness, or 

             of any   article of the faith: 

   on the contrary, it seems to me that 

        the more these  truths 
                were above nature, 

        the more firmly I held them, 
                and my devotion grew;   

           when I thought of Thy omnipotence, 

           I accepted all Thy wonderful works, 

    and I say it again, I never had a doubt. 

Then, as I was thinking - 
          How it could be just
                     in Thee 

          to allow so many, 
                     who, as I said, 

              are Thy most faithful  servants, 

                    to remain 
        without those consolations and graces   

            which Thou hast given to me, 
                 who am what I am, 

    Thou, O my Lord, didst answer me: 

        Serve thou  Me, and meddle not with this.   

14. This was the first word 

               which I ever heard Thee speak to me, 

         and it made me greatly afraid. 

But as I shall speak hereafter [258] 

              of this way of  hearing, and

              of other matters, I say nothing here; 

        for to do so would be 
               to digress from my subject, 

        and I have already made digressions enough. 

        I  scarcely know 
                what I have said, 

         nor can it be otherwise; 

                 but you, my father, 
          must bear with these interruptions; 

for when I consider 

           what God must have borne with from me, and    

       when I see the state I am in, 

           it is not strange that I should wander in 

               what I am saying, and 

               what I have still to say.   

15. May it please our Lord 

                that my wanderings may be of this kind, and 

        may His Majesty never suffer me 
                 to have strength to resist Him 
                          even in the least; 

                 yea, rather than that, 
         may He destroy me this moment. 

It is evidence  enough of His great compassions, 

     that He has forgiven so much ingratitude,   

         not once, 
         but often. 

     He forgave St. Peter once; 

     but I have been forgiven many times. 

Satan had good reasons for tempting me: 

  I ought never 
      to have pretended to a strict friendship 

             with One, my hatred of whom 

                I made so public. 

Was there ever blindness 
      so great as mine? 

Where could I think I  should find help 
      but in Thee? 

      What folly 
          - to run away from the light, 

          - to be  for ever stumbling! 

What a proud humility was that 

                       which Satan devised for me, 

   when I 
          - ceased to lean upon the pillar, and 

          - threw the staff away 
                        which supported me, 

       in order that my fall might not be great! [259]   

16. I make the sign of the cross this moment. 

I do not think I ever escaped so great a danger 

      as this device of Satan, 

which he would have imposed upon  me 

      in the disguise of humility. [260] 

He (Satan) filled me 
          with such thoughts as these: 

   How could I make my prayer, 

               who was so wicked, 

          and yet had received so many mercies? 

It was enough for me to recite the Office, 

      as all others did; 

   but as I did not (do) that much well, 

      how could I desire to do more? 

I was  not reverential enough, 

    and made too little of the mercies of God. 

There was  no harm in these thoughts 

      and feelings in themselves; 

but to act upon them,  

      that was an exceedingly great wickedness. 

Blessed be Thou, O Lord; 

        for Thou camest to my help. 

This seems to me to be in principle 

            the temptation of  Judas, 

only that Satan did not dare to tempt me so openly. 

But he might have  led me by little and little, 

     as he led Judas, to the same pit of destruction.   

17. Let all those who give themselves to prayer, 

             for the love of God, look well to this. 

They should know 
           that when I was neglecting (prayer), 

    my life was much worse 
           than it had ever been; 

let them reflect on 

    the excellent help and 

    the pleasant humility 
            which Satan provided for me:

    it was a grave interior disquietude. 

    But how could my spirit be quiet?

    It was going away in its  misery 

             from its true rest. 

  I remembered 
        the graces and mercies 
             I had received, and  

     felt that 
         the joys of this world were loathsome. 

   I am astonished 
         that I was able to bear it. 

   It must have been the hope I had;   

      for, as well as I can remember now,

           it is more than twenty-one years ago. 

      I do not think I ever gave up my purpose 

           of resuming my prayer; 

      but I was waiting 
           to be very free from sin first. 

18. Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation! 

The devil would have held it out before me 

        till the day of judgment, 

   that he might then take me with him to hell. 

Then, when I applied myself 

        to prayer and

        to spiritual  reading, 

    whereby I might perceive 

               these truths, and 

               the evil nature of the way I was walking in, 

    and was often importunate with our Lord in tears,  

        I was so wicked, that it availed me nothing; 

when I gave that up, 

    and wasted my time 
         in amusing myself,

         in great danger of falling into sin, 

    and with scanty helps, 

    and I may venture to say no help at all, 

         unless it was a help to my ruin, 

  what could I expect 
         but that of which I have spoken?   

19. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, 

             a most learned man, 

         has greatly merited in the eyes of God;

     for it was he who roused me from this  slumber. 

He made me I think I said so before [261]  

       go to Communion once a  fortnight, 

        and be less given to evil; 

I began to be converted, 

      though I did not cease 
           to offend our Lord 
      all at once: 

  however, as I had not lost my way,   

      I walked on in it, 
               though slowly, 

         falling and rising again; 

and he who does not cease 
         to walk and press onwards,  

    arrives at last, 

        even if late. 

To lose one's way is 
         so it seems to me 
 nothing else but the giving up of prayer.   

God, of His mercy, keeps us from this!   

20. It is clear from this,  
                and, for the love of God, 

             consider it well, 

  that a soul, 

              though it may receive great graces 
                       from God in prayer, 

            - must never rely on itself, 

                           because it may fall, 

            - nor expose itself 
                          in any way whatever 

                  to any risks of sin. 

   This should be well considered 

            because much depends on it; 

for the delusion here, 

            wherein Satan is able 
                      to entangle us afterwards,     

                            though the grace be really from God, 
     -  lies in the traitor's 
            making use of that very grace, so far as he can, 

            -- for his own purpose, and     

            -- particularly against persons 

                      not grown strong in virtues, who are

                      neither mortified nor detached; 

                  for these are not at present 
                      strong enough  

                            as I shall explain hereafter [262]   

                      to expose themselves to dangerous occasions,  

                 notwithstanding the noble 
                           desires and resolutions

                                they may have.  

 21. This doctrine is excellent, 
                   and not mine, 

          but the teaching of God, 

          and  accordingly I wish 
          (that) ignorant people like myself 

                    knew it; 

for even if a soul  were in this state, 

    it must not rely so much upon itself 

              as to go forth to the battle, 

    because it will have enough to do 
              in defending itself. 

Defensive armour is the present necessity; 

    the soul is not yet strong enough 

            to assail  Satan, and

            to trample him under foot,

       as those are who are in the state

             of  which I shall speak further on. [263]   

22. This is the delusion by which Satan prevails:   

     when a soul sees itself so near unto God, 

     when it sees the difference 
         (that) there is between 

                   the things of heaven and 

                   those of earth, and 

when it sees the love 
       which our Lord bears it, 

   there grows out of that love 

          a certain trust and confidence 

   that there is to be no falling away 

          from that the fruition 
               of which it then possesses. 

It seems to see the reward distinctly, 

    as if it were impossible 
          for it to abandon

                   that which, 
                            even in this life, 
                        is so delicious and sweet, 

               for anything so mean and impure 
                        as worldly joy. 

Through this confidence, 

        Satan robs it 

               of that distrust 
        which it ought to have in  itself; 

    and so, as I have just said, [264] 

        the soul 
            exposes itself to dangers, and

               begins, in the fullness of its zeal, 

                   to give away without discretion 

                      the fruit of its garden, 

               thinking that now 
                   it has no reason 

                       to be afraid for itself. 

Yet this does not come out of pride; 

    for the soul clearly understands that
         of itself 

            it can do no good thing; 

 but rather  (it comes) out of 
         an excessive confidence in God, 

               without discretion: 

     because the soul does not see itself 
         to be unfledged. 

It can go forth out of its nest, and 

    God Himself may take it out, 

but still it cannot fly, 

    because 
       - the virtues are not strong, and

       - (the soul), itself, has 
              no experience wherewith 

                     to discern the dangers; 

              nor is it aware of the evil 

                    which trusting to itself may do it.   

23. This it was that ruined me. 

Now, to understand this, and 

       everything else in the spiritual life, 

  we have great need 

      - of a director, and 

      - of conference with spiritual persons. 

I fully believe, 
     with respect to that soul 

         which God raises to this state, 

     that He will 
          not cease to be gracious to it, 

          nor  suffer it to be lost, 

            if it does not utterly forsake His Majesty. 

But when that soul falls
               as I said,  
  - let it look to it again and again, 

                           for the love of our Lord, 

        that Satan deceive it not 

              by tempting it to give up prayer, 

                         as he tempted me, 

                    through that false humility 

                        of which I have spoken before,  

                        and would gladly speak of 
                             again and again. [265]

   - Let it rely on the goodness of God, 

         which is greater 
                  than all the evil, we can do. 

When we, 

          - acknowledging  our own vileness, 

          - desire to return into His grace, 

      He remembers our  ingratitude no more,

         no, not even the graces He has given us, 

              for the  purpose of chastising us, 

                     because of our misuse of them; 


         yea, rather, they help to procure 
                our pardon the sooner, 

           as of persons 

                who have been members  of His household, and

                who, as they say, have eaten of His bread.   

24. Let them 
                remember His words, and 

                behold what He hath done unto me, 

                       who  grew weary of sinning 

                  before He grew weary of forgiving. 

He is never weary of giving, 

      nor can His compassion be exhausted. 

      Let us not grow weary ourselves of receiving. 

May He be blessed for ever, Amen; and 

May all  created things praise Him!

_______________________

   [254] See [229] ch. xx. § 2.

   [255] See [230] ch. xvii. § 3.

   [256] [231] Ch. vii. § 17, and 
               [232] ch. viii. § 5.

   [257] Psalm cxviii. 137: 

              "Thou art just, O Lord, and 

                  Thy judgment is right."

   [258] See [233] ch. xxv.

   [259] See [234] ch. viii. § 1.

   [260] [235] Ch. vii. § 17.

   [261] [236] Ch. vii. § 27.

   [262] [237] Ch. xxxi. § 21.

   [263] [238] Ch. xx. § 33, and 

               [239] ch.  xxv. § 24.

   [264] [240] Ch. xix. § 4.

   [265] See [241] § 16.

____________________________________