Teresa of Jesus
The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel
CHAPTER 31
She speaks of
- some exterior temptations
and apparitions of Satan, and
- how he ill-treated her.
She mentions, moreover,
- some very good things by way of advice to persons
who are walking on the way of perfection.
- Of Certain Outward Temptations and
- Appearances of Satan.
- Of the Sufferings Thereby Occasioned.
- Counsels for Those Who Go on Unto Perfection.
______________________
Topics/ Questions
to keep in mind
as we read along:
1a). How did St. Teresa respond to
temptations, interior troubles,
and apparitions of the devil?
[Life: Ch.31: # 2,3,4,8,9,10,11,12]
1b). What benefits of Holy Water
did she describe ?
[ Life: Ch.31: # 4, 10 ]
2). What kind of occasion,
according to St. Teresa,
would often incite
a disturbance by the devil?
[ Life: Ch.31: # 6,4,8,9,10 ]
3). How did St. Teresa feel about
being persecuted by others?
[ Life: Ch.31: # 13]
4). What did St. Teresa say regarding
"being made much" by others
and Humility
[ Life: Ch.31: # 13,14,15,16,17,18]
5). What did St. Teresa say
"seems good...in the world" ?
[ Life: Ch.31: # 19 ]
6). What did St. Teresa say about
the striving for perfection ?
[ Life: Ch.31: # 19,20,25,27 ]
7 ). What did St. Teresa say about
"those who would fly
before God gives them wings ?"
[ Life: Ch.31: # 20, 21 ]
8). What advice or encouragement
does she provide?
[Life: Ch.31: # 21,22,23,24,25,
26,27 ]
____________________________
Chapter 31
1. Now that I have described certain
temptations and troubles,
interior and secret,
of which Satan was the cause,
I will speak of others
which he wrought almost in public,
and in which his presence
could not be ignored. [462]
2. I was once in an oratory,
when Satan,
in an abominable shape,
appeared on my left hand.
I looked at his mouth in particular,
because he spoke,
and it was horrible.
A huge flame seemed to issue
out of his body,
perfectly bright,
without any shadow.
He spoke in a fearful way,
and said to me that,
though I had escaped out of his hands,
he would yet lay hold of me again.
I was in great terror,
made the sign of the cross
as well as I could,
and then the form vanished--
but it reappeared instantly.
This occurred twice;
I did not know what to do;
there was some holy water at hand;
I took some, and
threw it in the direction
of the figure,
and then Satan never returned.
3. On another occasion,
I was tortured for five hours with
such terrible pains,
such inward and outward sufferings,
that it seemed to me
as if I could not bear them.
Those who were with me
were frightened;
they knew not what to do, and
I could not help myself.
I am in the habit, when
these pains and
my bodily suffering
are most unendurable,
to make interior acts
as well as I can,
imploring our Lord,
if it be His will,
to give me patience, and then
to let me suffer on,
even to the end of the world.
So, when I found myself
suffering so cruelly,
I relieved myself by making
those acts and resolutions,
in order that I might be able
to endure the pain.
It pleased our Lord
to let me understand
that it was the work of Satan;
for I saw close beside me
a most frightful dark little creature,
gnashing his teeth in despair
at losing what he attempted to seize.
When I saw him,
I laughed,
and had no fear;
for there were some (sisters)
then present,
who were helpless,
and knew of no means
whereby so great a pain
could be relieved.
My body, head, and arms
were violently shaken;
I could not help myself:
but the worst of all
was the interior pain,
for I could find no ease in any way.
Nor did I dare to ask for holy water,
lest those who were with me
should be afraid, and
find out what the matter
really was.
4. I know by frequent experience
that there is nothing
which puts the devils to flight
like holy water.
They run away
before the sign of the cross also,
but they return immediately:
great, then, must be
the power of holy water.
As for me, my soul is conscious of a
special and most distinct consolation
whenever I take it.
Indeed, I feel almost always
a certain refreshing,
which I cannot describe,
together with an inward joy,
which comforts my whole soul.
This is
no fancy,
nor a thing
which has occurred once only;
for it has happened very often, and
I have watched it very carefully.
I may compare what I feel with that
which happens to a person
in great heat, and very thirsty,
drinking a cup of cold water
--his whole being is refreshed.
I consider that everything
ordained by the Church
is very important;
and I have a joy in reflecting
that the words of the Church
are so mighty,
that they endow water with power,
so that there shall be
so great a difference
between holy water
and water
that has never been blessed.
Then, as my pains did not cease,
I told them,
if they would not laugh,
I would ask for some holy water.
They brought me some,
and sprinkled me with it;
but I was no better.
I then threw some myself
in the direction of the dark creature,
when he fled in a moment.
All my sufferings ceased,
just as if some one
had taken them from me
with his hand;
only I was wearied,
as if I had been beaten
with many blows.
It was of great service to me
to learn that
if, by our Lord's permission,
Satan
- can do so much evil
to a soul and body
(that is) not in his power,
- he can do much more
when he has them
in his possession.
It gave me a renewed desire
to be delivered from a fellowship
so dangerous.
5. Another time, and not long ago,
the same thing happened to me,
though it did not last so long,
and I was alone at the moment.
I asked for holy water;
and they
who came in after the devil
had gone away,
--they were two nuns,
worthy of all credit, and
would not tell a lie
for anything,--
perceived a most offensive smell,
like that of brimstone.
I smelt nothing myself;
but the odour lasted long enough
to become sensible to them.
6. On another occasion,
I was in choir, when, in a moment,
I became profoundly recollected.
I went out in order that the sisters
might know nothing of it;
yet those who were near heard
the sound of heavy blows
where I was,
and I heard voices myself,
as of persons in consultation,
but I did not hear what they said:
I was so absorbed in prayer
that I understood nothing,
neither was I at all afraid.
This took place almost always
when our Lord was pleased
that some soul or other,
persuaded by me,
advanced in the spiritual life.
Certainly,
what I am now about to describe
happened to me once;
there are witnesses to testify to it,
particularly my present confessor,
for he saw the account in a letter.
I did not tell him
from whom the letter came,
but he knew perfectly
who the person was.
7. There came to me a person
who,
for two years and a half,
had been living in mortal sin
of the most abominable nature
I ever heard.
During the whole of that time, he
neither confessed it
nor ceased from it;
and yet he said Mass.
He confessed his other sins
but of this one he used to say,
How can I confess so foul a sin?
He wished to give it up,
but he could not prevail on himself
to do so.
I was very sorry for him, and
it was a great grief to me
to see God offended in such a way.
I promised him that I
would pray to God
for his amendment, and
get others who were better than I
to do the same.
I wrote to one person,
and the priest undertook
to get the letter delivered.
It came to pass
that he made a full confession
at the first opportunity;
for our Lord God was pleased,
on account of the prayers
of those most holy persons
to whom I had recommended him,
to have pity on this soul.
I, too, wretched as I am,
did all I could for the same end.
8. He wrote to me,
and said that he was so far improved,
that he had not for some days
repeated his sin;
but he was so tormented
by the temptation,
that it seemed to him
as if he were in hell already,
so great were his sufferings.
He asked me to pray to God for him.
I recommended him to my sisters,
through whose prayers
I must have obtained this mercy
from our Lord;
for they took the matter
greatly to heart;
and he was a person
whom no one could find out.
I implored His Majesty
to put an end to
these torments and temptations, and
to let the evil spirits torment me
instead,
provided I did not offend our Lord.
Thus it was that for one month
I was most grievously tormented;
and then it was
that these two assaults of Satan,
of which I have just spoken, took place.
9. Our Lord was pleased to deliver him
out of this temptation,
so I was informed;
for I told him what happened to myself that month.
His soul gained strength, and
he continued free;
he could never give thanks enough
to our Lord and
to me
--as if I had been of any service
unless it be
that the belief he had
that our Lord granted me
such graces
was of some advantage to him.
He said that,
when he saw himself in great straits,
he would read my letters, and
then the temptation left him.
He was very much astonished
at my sufferings, and
at the manner
of his own deliverance:
even I myself am astonished,
and I would suffer as much
for many years
for the deliverance of that soul.
May our Lord be praised for ever!
for the prayers of those
who serve Him
can do great things;
and I believe the sisters of this house
do serve Him.
The devils must have been more angry
with me only
because I asked them to pray, and
because our Lord permitted it
on account of my sins.
At that time, too,
I thought the evil spirits
would have suffocated me one night,
and when the sisters threw
much holy water about
I saw a great troop of them rush away
as if tumbling over a precipice.
These cursed spirits have tormented me
so often,
and I am now so little afraid of them,--
because I see they cannot stir
without our Lord's permission,
--that I should weary
both you, my father, and myself,
if I were to speak of these things
in detail.
10. May this I have written be of use
to the true servant of God,
who ought to despise these terrors,
which Satan sends only
to make him afraid!
Let him understand that each time
we despise those terrors,
their force is lessened, and
the soul gains power over them.
There is always
some great good obtained;
but I will not speak of it,
that I may not be too diffuse.
I will speak, however,
of what happened to me once
on the night of All Souls.
I was in an oratory, and,
having said one Nocturn,
was saying some very devotional
prayers at the end of our Breviary,
when Satan put himself on the book
before me,
to prevent my finishing my prayer.
I made the sign of the cross,
and he went away.
I then returned to my prayer,
and he, too, came back;
he did so, I believe, three times,
and I was not able to finish the prayer
without throwing holy water at him.
I saw certain souls at that moment
come forth out of purgatory
--they must have been
near their deliverance,
and I thought that Satan might
in this way have been trying
to hinder their release.
It is very rarely
that I saw Satan assume
a bodily form;
I know of his presence
through the vision
I have spoken of before, [463]
the vision wherein no form is seen.
11. I wish also to relate what follows,
for I was greatly alarmed at it:
on Trinity Sunday,
in the choir
of a certain monastery, and
in a trance,
I saw a great fight between
evil spirits and the angels.
I could not make out
what the vision meant.
In less than a fortnight,
it was explained clearly enough
by the dispute
that took place
between
persons given to prayer
and
many who were not,
which did great harm to that house;
for it was a dispute that
lasted long and
caused much trouble.
On another occasion,
I saw
- a great multitude of evil spirits
round about me, and,
at the same time,
- a great light,
in which I was enveloped,
which kept them
from coming near me.
I understood it to mean
that God was watching over me,
that they might not approach me
so as to make me offend Him.
I knew the vision was real
by what I saw occasionally in myself.
The fact is,
I know now how little power
the evil spirits have,
provided I am not out
of the grace of God;
I have scarcely any fear of them at all,
for their strength is as nothing,
if they do not find
(that) the souls (which) they assail
give up the contest, and
become cowards;
it is in this case
(when the assailed soul gives up)
that they (devils) show their power.
12. Now and then,
during the temptations
I am speaking of,
it seemed to me
as if all my vanity and weakness
in times past
had become alive again within me;
so I had reason enough
to commit myself
into the hands of God.
Then I was tormented by the thought
that, as these things came back
to my memory,
I must be utterly
in the power of Satan,
until my confessor consoled me;
for I imagined
that even the first movement
towards an evil thought
ought not to have come near one
who had received from our Lord
such great graces as I had.
13. At other times,
I was much tormented
--and even now I am tormented--
when I saw people make much of me,
particularly great people, and
when they spake well of me.
I have suffered, and still suffer,
much in this way.
I think at once of the life
of Christ and
of the Saints,
and then my life seems
the reverse of theirs,
for they received nothing
but contempt and ill-treatment.
All this makes me afraid;
I dare not lift up my head, and
I wish nobody saw me at all.
It is not thus with me
when I am persecuted;
then my soul is so conscious
of strength,
though the body suffers, and
though I am in other ways afflicted,
that I do not know how this can be;
but so it is,
--and my soul seems then
to be a queen in its kingdom,
having everything under its feet.
14. I had such a thought now and then--
and, indeed, for many days together.
I regarded it as a sign
of virtue and
of humility;
but I see clearly now
it was nothing else but a temptation.
A Dominican friar, of great learning,
showed it to me very plainly.
When I considered that the graces
which our Lord had bestowed upon me
might come to the knowledge
of the public,
my sufferings became so excessive
as greatly to disturb my soul.
They went so far,
that I made up my mind,
while thinking of it,
that I would
rather be buried alive
than have these things known.
And so, when I began
to be profoundly recollected, or
to fall into a trance,
which I could not resist
even in public,
I was so ashamed of myself,
that I would not appear
where people might see me.
15. Once, when I was
much distressed at this,
our Lord said to me,
What was I afraid of ?
one of two things must happen
--people would
either speak ill of me,
or give glory to Him.
He made me understand by this,
that those who believed in the truth
of what was going on in me
would glorify Him;
and that those who did not
would condemn me without cause:
in both ways I should be the gainer,
and I was therefore
not to distress myself. [464]
This made me quite calm, and
it comforts me whenever I think of it.
16. This temptation
became so excessive,
that I wished to
leave the house, and
take my dower to another monastery,
where enclosure was more strictly
observed than in that
wherein I was at this time.
I had heard great things
of that other house,
which was of the same Order as mine;
it was also at a great distance, and
it would have been a great consolation
to me to live where I was not known;
but my confessor would never
let me go.
These fears deprived me
in a great measure
of all liberty of spirit;
and I understood afterwards
that this was not true humility,
because it disturbed me so much.
And our Lord taught me this truth;
if I was convinced,
and certainly persuaded,
that all that was good in me
came wholly and only from God,
and if it did not distress me
to hear the praises of others,
--yea, rather,
if I was pleased and comforted
when I saw
that God was working in them,--
then neither should I be distressed
if He showed forth His works in me.
17. I fell, too, into another extreme.
I begged of God, and
made it a particular subject of prayer,
that it might please His Majesty,
- whenever any one
saw any good in me
- that such a one might also
become acquainted with my sins,
in order that he might see that
His graces were bestowed on me
without any merit on my part:
and I always greatly desire this.
My confessor told me not to do it.
But almost to this day,
if I saw that any one
thought well of me,
I used
in a roundabout way,
or any how, as I could,
to contrive he should know of my sins:
[465]
that seemed to relieve me.
But they have made me
very scrupulous on this point.
This, it appears to me,
was not an effect of humility,
but oftentimes the result of temptation.
It seemed to me
that I was deceiving everybody--
though, in truth,
they deceived themselves,
by thinking that there was
any good in me [466]
I did not wish to deceive them,
nor did I ever attempt it,
only our Lord permitted it
for some end;
and so, even with my confessors,
I never discussed any of these matters
if I did not see the necessity of it,
for that would have occasioned
very considerable scruples.
18. All these
little fears and
distresses, and
semblance of humility,
I now see clearly
were mere imperfections,
and the result of my unmortified life;
for a soul left in the hands of God
cares nothing
about evil or good report,
if it clearly comprehends,
when our Lord is pleased
to bestow upon it His grace,
that it has nothing of its own.
Let it
- trust the Giver;
it will know hereafter
why He reveals His gifts, and
- prepare itself for persecution,
which in these times is sure to come,
when it is our Lord's will
it should be known of any one
that He bestows upon him graces
such as these;
for a thousand eyes are
watching that soul,
while a thousand souls
of another order
are observed of none.
In truth,
there was no little ground for fear, and
that fear should have been mine:
I was therefore not humble,
but a coward;
for a soul which God permits to be
thus seen of men
may well prepare itself
to be the world's martyr--
because, if it will not die
to the world voluntarily,
that very world will kill it.
19. Certainly,
I see nothing in the world
that seems to me good except this,
that it
- tolerates no faults in good people and
- helps them to perfection
by dint of complaints against them.
I mean, that it requires
greater courage
in one not yet perfect
to walk in the way of perfection
than to undergo
an instant martyrdom;
for perfection is
not attained to at once,
unless our Lord grant that grace
by a special privilege:
yet the world,
when it sees any one
beginning to travel on that road,
insists on his becoming
perfect at once,
and a thousand leagues off
detects in him a fault,
which after all may be a virtue.
He who finds fault
is doing the very same thing,
--but, in his own case, viciously,--
and he pronounces it
to be so wrong in the
(case of the ) other.
He who aims at perfection, then,
must neither eat nor sleep,
--nor, as they say,
even breathe; and
the more men respect such a one,
the more do they forget
that he is still in the body; and,
though they may consider him perfect
he is living on the earth,
subject to its miseries,
however much he may tread them
under his feet.
And so, as I have just said,
great courage is necessary here
for, though the poor soul
have not yet begun to walk,
the world will have it fly;
and, though its passions
be not wholly overcome,
men will have it
that they must be under restraint,
even upon trying occasions,
as those of the Saints are,
of whom they read,
after they (the Saints)
are confirmed in grace.
20. All this is a reason
for praising God, and also
for great sorrow of heart,
because very many go backwards
who, poor souls, know not
how to help themselves;
and I too, I believe,
would have gone back also,
if our Lord had not so mercifully
on His part
done everything for me.
And until He, of His goodness,
had done all,
nothing was done by me,
beyond falling and rising again.
as you, my father,
may have seen already.
I wish I knew how to explain it,
because many souls, I believe,
delude themselves in this matter;
they would fly
before God gives them wings.
21. I believe I have made this
comparison on another occasion, [467]
but it is to the purpose here,
for I see certain souls
are very greatly afflicted
on that ground.
When these souls begin, with great
fervour,
courage, and
desire,
to advance in virtue,
--some of them,
at least outwardly,
giving up all for God,--
when they see in others,
more advanced than themselves,
greater fruits of virtue
given them by our Lord,
--for we cannot acquire these
of ourselves,--
when they see in all the books written
on prayer and
on contemplation
an account of
what we have to do
in order to attain thereto,
but which they cannot
accomplish themselves,--
they lose heart.
For instance, they read
that we must
- not be troubled
when men speak ill of us,
that we are to be then
- more pleased
than when they speak well of us;
that we must
- despise our own good name,
- be detached from our kindred;
avoid their company, which
should be wearisome to us,
unless they (the kindred)
be given to prayer;
- with many other things
of the same kind.
The disposition to practise this
must be the gift of God,
in my opinion
for it seems to me
a supernatural good,
contrary to our natural inclinations.
Let them not distress themselves;
let them trust in our Lord:
what they now desire,
His Majesty will enable them
to attain to
by prayer, and
by doing what they can themselves;
for it is very necessary
for our weak nature
that we should have great confidence,
that we should
not be fainthearted,
nor suppose that,
if we do our best,
we shall fail
to obtain the victory at last.
And as my experience here is large,
by way of caution,
I will say, to you, my father,
do not think
--though it may seem so--
that a virtue is acquired
when we have not tested it
by its opposing vice:
we must
always be suspicious of ourselves, and
never neglient while we live;
(because)
- for much evil clings to us
as I said before, [468]
"porque mucho se nos pega luego" "because much sticks to us then" "La Vida de la Madre Teresa de Jesús escrita de su misma mano, con una aprobación del P. Maestro fr. Domingo Báñez su confesor y cathedrático de prima en Salamanca". "The Life of Mother Teresa of Jesus written in her same hand with the approval of Fr Domingo Banez, her confessor" Ch. 31 #19 |
(because)
- for much evil clings to us
as I said before, [468]
if grace be not given to us fully
to understand what everything is:
- and in this life there is nothing
without great risks.
22. I thought a few years ago,
not only that
I was detached from my kindred,
but that
they were a burden to me;
and certainly it was so,
for I could not endure
their conversation.
An affair of some importance
had to be settled, and
I had to remain
with a sister of mine,
for whom I had always before
had a great affection.
The conversation we had together,
though she is better than I am,
did not please me;
for it could not always be
on subjects I preferred,
owing to the difference
of our conditions
--she being married.
I was therefore as much alone
as I could;
yet I felt that her troubles
gave me more trouble
than did those of my neighbours,
and even some anxiety.
In short, I found out
that I was not so detached
as I thought, and
that it was necessary for me
to flee from dangerous occasions,
in order that the virtue
which our Lord had
begun to implant in me
might grow;
and so, by His help,
I have striven to do
from that time till now.
23. If our Lord bestows any virtue
upon us,
we must make much of it, and
by no means run the risk of losing it;
so it is in those things
which concern our good name,
and many other matters.
You, my father, must believe
that we are not all of us detached,
though we think we are;
it is necessary for us
never to be careless on this point.
If any one
detects in himself any tenderness
about his good name, and
yet wishes to advance
in the spiritual life,
let him
believe me and
throw this embarrassment
behind his back,
for it is a chain
which no file can sever;
only the help of God,
obtained by
- prayer and
- much striving on his part,
can do it.
It seems to me to be
a hindrance on the road, and
I am astonished at the harm it does.
I see some persons
so holy in their works, and
so great are they,
as to fill people with wonder.
O my God,
why is their soul still on the earth ?
Why has it not arrived
at the summit of perfection ?
What does it mean?
What keeps him back
who does so much for God?
Oh, there it is!
--self-respect !
and the worst of it is,
that these persons will not admit
that they have it,
merely because Satan now and then
convinces them
that they are under an obligation
to observe it.
24. Well, then,
let them believe me:
for the love of our Lord,
let them give heed to the little ant,
who speaks because it is His pleasure.
If they take not this caterpillar away,
though it does not hurt the whole tree,
because some virtues remain,
the worm will eat into
every one of them.
Not only is the tree
not beautiful,
but it also
never thrives,
neither does it suffer the others near it
to thrive;
for the fruit of good example
which it bears
is not sound, and
endures but a short time.
I say it again and again,
let our self-respect be ever so slight,
it will have the same result
as the missing of a note on the organ
when it is played,
--the whole music is out of tune.
It is a thing which hurts the soul
exceedingly in every way,
but it is a pestilence
in the way of prayer.
25. Are we striving
after union with God ? and
do we wish to follow
the counsels of Christ,
--who was loaded with reproaches
and falsely accused,--
and, at the same time,
to keep our own reputation and credit
untouched?
We cannot succeed,
for these things are inconsistent
one with another.
Our Lord comes to the soul
when we
do violence to ourselves, and
strive to give up our rights
in many things.
Some will say,
I have nothing that I can give up,
nor have I any opportunity
of doing so.
I believe
that our Lord will never suffer any one
who has made
so good a resolution as this
to miss so great a blessing.
His Majesty will make
so many arrangements for him,
whereby he may acquire this virtue,
--more frequently, perhaps,
than he will like.
Let him put his hand to the work.
I speak of the little nothings and trifles
which I gave up when I began
--or, at least, of some of them:
the straws which I said [469]
I threw into the fire;
for I am not able to do more.
All this our Lord accepted:
may He be blessed for evermore!
26. One of my faults was this:
I had a very imperfect knowledge
of my Breviary and
of my duties in choir,
simply because I
- was careless and
- given to vanities; and
- I knew the other novices
could have taught me.
But I never asked them,
that they might not know
how little I knew.
It suggested itself to me at once,
that I ought to set a good example:
this is very common.
Now, however,
that God has opened my eyes a little,
even when I know a thing,
but yet am very slightly
in doubt about it,
I ask the children.
I have lost neither honour nor credit
by it
--on the contrary, I believe
our Lord has been pleased
to strengthen my memory.
My singing of the Office was bad, and
I felt it much
if I had not learned
the part intrusted to me,--
not because I made mistakes
before our Lord,
which would have been a virtue,
but because I made them
before the many nuns
who heard me.
I was so full of my own reputation,
that I was disturbed,
and therefore did not sing
what I had to sing
even so well as I might have done.
Afterwards, I ventured,
when I did not know it very well,
to say so.
At first, I felt it very much;
but afterwards I found pleasure
in doing it.
So, when I began to be indifferent
about its being known
that I could not sing well,
it gave me no pain at all,
and I sang much better.
This miserable self-esteem
took from me the power of doing
that which I regarded as an honour,
for every one regards as honourable
that which he likes.
27. By trifles such as these,
which are nothing,
--and I am altogether
nothing myself,
seeing that this gave me pain,--
by little and little,
doing such actions, and
by such slight performances,
--they become of worth
because done for God,--
His Majesty helps us on
towards greater things;
and so it happened to me
in the matter of humility.
When I saw that all the nuns
except myself
were making great progress,
--I was always myself
good for nothing,--
I used to fold up their mantles
when they left the choir.
I looked on myself
as doing service to angels
who had been there praising God.
I did so till they
--I know not how--
found it out;
and then I was not a little ashamed,
because my virtue was not
strong enough to bear
that they should know of it.
But the shame arose,
not because I was humble,
but because I was afraid
they would laugh at me,
the matter being so trifling.
28. O Lord, what a shame for me
to lay bare so much wickedness, and
to number these grains of sand,
which yet I did not raise up
from the ground in Thy service
without mixing them
with a thousand meannesses!
The waters of Thy grace were not as yet
flowing beneath them,
so as to make them ascend upwards.
O my Creator, oh,
that I had anything worth recounting
amid so many evil things,
when I am recounting the great mercies
I received at Thy hands!
So it is, O my Lord.
I know
not how my heart
could have borne it,
nor how any one who shall read this
can help having me in abhorrence
when he sees
that mercies so great
had been so ill-requited, and
that I have not been ashamed
to speak of these services.
Ah! they are only mine, O my Lord;
but I am ashamed
I have nothing else to say of myself;
and that
it is that makes me speak
of these wretched beginnings,
in order
that he
who has begun more nobly
may have hope
that our Lord,
who has made much of mine,
will make more of his.
May it please His Majesty
to give me this grace,
that I may not remain for ever
at the beginning !
Amen. [470]
________________________
Foot Notes:
[462] 2 Cor. ii. 11:
"Non enim ignoramus
cogitationes ejus."
[463] [371]Ch. xxvii. § 4.
[464] See Inner Fortress,
vi. ch. iv. § 12.
[465] Way of Perfection,
ch. lxv. § 2;
but [372]ch. xxxvi.
of the previous editions.
[466] See [373]ch. x. § 10.
[467] [374]Ch. xiii. § 3.
[468] [375]Ch. xx. § 38.
[469] [376]Ch. xxx. § 25.
[470] Don Vicente de la Fuente
thinks the first "Life" ended here;
That which follows was written
under obedience to her confessor,
F. Garcia of Toledo,
and after the foundation of the monastery
of St. Joseph, Avila.
End of Chapter 31 |
