Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Chapter 32 - The Life of Teresa of Jesus - Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila
The Life of Holy Mother
Teresa of Jesus
The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel
CHAPTER 32
She narrates
- how it pleased God to put her in spirit
in that place of Hell she had deserved by her sins.
She tells
- a little of what she saw there
compared with what there was besides.
She begins to speak
- of the manner and way
of founding the convent of St. Joseph
where she now lives.
- Our Lord Shows St. Teresa the Place
Which She Had by Her Sins Deserved in Hell.
- The Torments There.
- How the Monastery of St. Joseph Was Founded.
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Topics/ Questions
to keep in mind
as we read along:
1). "Some considerable time
after our Lord had bestowed
upon me the graces...and
others also of a higher nature,
I was one day in prayer
when I found myself...
plunged apparently into hell".
Why did she think that this vision
was a mercy for her ?
[Life: Ch32: # 6,7,8, 9,10,11]
2). When St. Teresa wrote regarding
thinking "what I could do for God",
what was "the first thing"
she thought of doing ?
[Life: Ch32: # 11 ]
3). What did St. Teresa say
about the current rule
and what did she want to change?
[Life: Ch32: # 11,12,13,14,15,21]
4). Although "the religious Orders
were then relaxed",
was God served by them?
[Life: Ch32: # 14 ]
5). What did St. Teresa say
about her belief or compliance to
visions or revelations?
[Life: Ch32: # 14.16, 19 ]
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Chapter 32
1. Some considerable time
after our Lord had bestowed upon me
the graces I have been describing, and
others also of a higher nature,
I was one day in prayer
when I found myself in a moment,
without knowing how,
plunged apparently into hell.
I understood
that it was our Lord's will
I should see the place
which the devils kept
in readiness for me, and
which I had deserved by my sins.
It was but a moment,
but it seems to me impossible
I should ever forget it
even if I were to live many years.
2. The entrance seemed to be
by a long narrow pass,
like a furnace,
very low, dark, and close.
The ground seemed to be
saturated with water,
mere mud, exceedingly foul,
sending forth pestilential odours,
and covered with loathsome vermin.
At the end was a hollow place
in the wall, like a closet, and
in that I saw myself confined.
All this was even pleasant to behold
in comparison with what I felt there.
There is no exaggeration
in what I am saying.
3. But as to what I then felt,
I do not know where to begin,
if I were to describe it;
it is utterly inexplicable.
I felt a fire in my soul.
I cannot see how it is possible
to describe it.
My bodily sufferings
were unendurable.
I have undergone
most painful sufferings in this life,
and, as the physicians say,
the greatest that can be borne,
such as the contraction of my sinews
when I was paralysed, [471]
without speaking of others
of different kinds,
yea, even those of which
I have also spoken, [472]
inflicted on me by Satan;
yet all these were as
nothing in comparison with
what I felt then,
especially when I saw that
there would be no intermission,
nor any end to them.
4. These sufferings were
nothing in comparison
with the anguish of my soul,
a sense
of oppression,
of stifling, and
of pain so keen,
accompanied by so hopeless
and cruel an infliction,
that I know not how to speak of it.
If I said that the soul is
continually being torn from the body,
it would be nothing,
for that implies the destruction of life
by the hands of another
but here it is the soul itself
that is tearing itself in pieces.
I cannot describe
that inward fire or
that despair,
surpassing all torments and all pain.
I did not see who it was
that tormented me,
but I felt myself
on fire, and
torn to pieces,
as it seemed to me;
and, I repeat it,
this inward fire and despair
are the greatest torments of all.
5. Left
in that pestilential place, and
utterly without the power
to hope for comfort,
I could neither sit nor lie down:
there was no room.
I was placed as it were
in a hole in the wall; and
those walls, terrible to look on
of themselves,
hemmed me in on every side.
I could not breathe.
There was no light,
but all was thick darkness.
I do not understand how it is;
though there was no light,
yet everything that can give pain
by being seen
was visible.
6. Our Lord at that time
would not let me see
more of hell.
Afterwards, I had another
most fearful vision,
in which I saw the punishment
of certain sins.
They were most horrible to look at;
but, because I felt none of the pain,
my terror was not so great.
In the former vision,
our Lord made me
really feel
those torments, and
that anguish of spirit,
just as if I had been suffering them
in the body there.
I know not how it was,
but I understood distinctly
that it was a great mercy
that our Lord would have me
see with mine own eyes
the very place
from which His compassion saved me.
I have listened to people
speaking of these things, and
I have at other times dwelt
on the various torments of hell,
though not often,
because my soul made no progress
by the way of fear; and
I have read
of the diverse tortures, and
how the devils tear the flesh
with red-hot pincers.
But all is as nothing before this;
it is a wholly different matter.
In short, the one is a reality,
the other a picture;
and all burning here in this life
is as nothing in comparison
with the fire that is there.
7. I was so terrified by that vision,
--and that terror is on me
even now while I am writing,--
that, though it took place
nearly six years ago, [473]
the natural warmth of my body
is chilled by fear even now
when I think of it.
And so, amid all the pain and suffering
which I may have had to bear,
I remember no time
in which I do not think
that all we have to suffer in this world
is as nothing.
It seems to me
that we complain without reason.
I repeat it,
this vision was one
of the grandest mercies of our Lord.
It has been to me of the greatest service,
because it has destroyed my fear
of trouble and
of the contradiction of the world, and
because it has made me strong enough
to bear up against them, and
to give thanks to our Lord,
who has been my Deliverer,
as it now seems to me,
from such fearful and
everlasting pains.
8. Ever since that time,
as I was saying,
everything seems endurable
in comparison
with one instant of suffering
such as those I had then
to bear in hell.
I am filled with fear
when I see that,
after frequently reading books
which describe in some manner
the pains of hell,
I was not afraid of them,
nor made any account of them.
Where was I?
How could I possibly
take any pleasure in those things
which led me directly
to so dreadful a place?
Blessed for ever be Thou, O my God!
and, oh, how manifest is it
that Thou didst love me much more
than I did love Thee!
How often, O Lord, didst Thou save me
from that fearful prison! and
how I used to get back to it
contrary to Thy will.
9. It was that vision that
- filled me with the very great distress
which I feel at the sight
of so many lost souls,--
especially of the Lutherans,
for they were once members
of the Church by baptism,-- and also
- gave me the most vehement desires
for the salvation of souls;
for certainly I believe that,
to save even one
from those overwhelming torments,
I would most willingly
endure many deaths.
If here on earth we see one
whom we specially love
in great trouble or pain,
our very nature seems to bid us
compassionate him;
and if those pains be great,
we are troubled ourselves.
What, then, must it be
to see a soul in danger of pain,
the most grievous of all pains,
for ever?
Who can endure it?
It is a thought no heart can bear
without great anguish.
Here we know
that pain ends with life at last, and
that there are limits to it;
yet the sight of it
moves our compassion so greatly.
That other pain has no ending; and
I know not
how we can be calm,
when we see Satan carry
so many souls daily away.
10. This also makes me wish
that, in a matter
which concerns us so much,
we did not rest satisfied
with doing less
than we can do on our part,--
that we left nothing undone.
May our Lord vouchsafe
to give us His grace for that end!
When I consider
- that, notwithstanding
my very great wickedness,
I took some pains to please God, and
abstained from certain things
which I know the world
makes light of,--
- that, in short,
I suffered grievous infirmities,
and with great patience,
which our Lord gave me;
- that I was not inclined
to murmur or
to speak ill of anybody;
- that I could not --I believe so--
wish harm to any one;
- that I was not,
to the best of my recollection,
either avaricious or envious,
so as to be grievously offensive
in the sight of God; and
- that I was free
from many other faults,
--for, though so wicked,
I had lived constantly
in the fear of God,--
I had to look at the very place
which the devils kept ready for me.
It is true that,
considering my faults,
I had deserved
a still heavier chastisement;
but for all that, I repeat it,
the torment was fearful,
and we run a great risk
whenever we please ourselves.
No soul should take
either rest or pleasure
that is liable to fall every moment
into mortal sin.
Let us, then, for the love of God,
avoid all occasions of sin,
and our Lord will help us,
as He has helped me.
May it please His Majesty
never to let me out of His hands,
lest I should turn back and fall,
now that I have seen the place
where I must dwell if I do.
I entreat our Lord,
for His Majesty's sake,
never to permit it.
Amen.
11. When I
had seen this vision, and
had learned other great
and hidden things
which our Lord, of His goodness,
was pleased to show me,
--namely,
the joy of the blessed and
the torment of the wicked,--
I longed for the way and the means
of doing penance
for the great evil I had done, and
of meriting in some degree,
so that I might gain so great a good;
and therefore I wished
to avoid all society, and
to withdraw myself
utterly from the world.
I was in spirit restless,
yet my restlessness was not harassing,
but rather pleasant.
I saw clearly
that it was the work of God, and
that His Majesty had furnished
my soul with fervour,
so that I might be able to digest
other and stronger food
than I had been accustomed to eat.
I tried to think
what I could do for God, and
(I) thought that the first thing was
to follow my vocation
to a religious life,
which His Majesty had given me,
by keeping my rule
in the greatest perfection possible.
12. Though in that house
in which I then lived
there were many servants of God,
and God was greatly served therein,
yet, because it was very poor,
the nuns
left it very often and
went to other places,
where, however, we could serve God
in all honour
and observances of religion.
The rule also was kept,
not in its original exactness,
but according to the custom
of the whole Order,
authorised by the Bull of Mitigation.
There were other inconveniences also:
we had too many comforts,
as it seemed to me;
for the house was large and pleasant.
But this inconvenience of going out,
though it was I
that took most advantage of it,
was a very grievous one for me;
for many persons,
to whom my superiors could not say no,
were glad to have me with them.
My superiors, thus importuned,
commanded me to visit these persons;
and thus it was so arranged
that I could not be long together
in the monastery.
Satan, too, must have had
a share in this,
in order that I might not be
in the house,
where I was of great service
to those of my sisters
to whom I continually communicated
the instructions
which I received from my confessors.
13. It occurred once to a person
with whom I was speaking
to say to me and the others
that it was possible to find means
for the foundation of a monastery,
if we were prepared to become nuns
like those of the Barefooted Orders.
[474]
I, having this desire,
began to discuss the matter
with that widowed lady
who was my companion,
--I have spoken
of her before, [475]--
and she had the same wish
that I had.
She began to consider
how to provide a revenue
for the home.
I see now
that this was not the way,
- only the wish we had, to do so, -
made us think it was;
but I, on the other hand,
seeing that I took the greatest delight
- in the house
in which I was then living,
because it was very pleasant
to me, and,
- in my own cell,
most convenient for my purpose,
still held back.
Nevertheless, we agreed
to commit the matter to God
with all earnestness.
14. One day, after Communion,
our Lord commanded me
to labour with all my might
for this end.
He made me great promises,
--that the monastery
would be certainly built;
that He would take
great delight therein;
that it should be called St. Joseph's;
that St. Joseph would
keep guard at one door, and
our Lady at the other;
that Christ would be
in the midst of us;
that the monastery would be
a star shining in great splendour;
that, though the religious Orders
were then relaxed,
I was not to suppose
that He was scantily served
in them,
--for what would become
of the world,
if there were no religious in it?--
I was to tell my confessor
what He commanded me, and
that He asked him
not to oppose
nor thwart me in the matter.
15. So efficacious was the vision, and
such was the nature of the words
our Lord spoke to me,
that I could not possibly doubt
that they came from Him.
I suffered most keenly,
because
I saw in part
the great anxieties and troubles
that the work would cost me, and
I was also very happy in the house
I was in then;
and though I used to speak
of this matter in past times,
yet it was
not with resolution
nor with any confidence
that the thing could ever be done.
I saw that I was now in a great strait;
and when I saw that I was entering
on a work of great anxiety,
I hesitated;
but our Lord
spoke of it so often to me, and
set before me
so many reasons and motives,
which
I saw could not be gainsaid, --
I saw, too, that such was His will;
so I did not dare do otherwise than
put the whole matter
before my confessor, and
gave him an account in writing
of all that took place.
16. My confessor did not
venture definitely to bid me
(to) abandon my purpose;
but he saw that naturally
there was no way of carrying it out;
because my friend, who was to do it,
had very little or no means available
for that end.
He told me to
lay the matter before my superior,
[476] and
do what he might bid me do.
I never spoke of my visions
to my superior,
but that lady
who desired to found the monastery
communicated with him.
The Provincial
was very much pleased,
for he loves the whole Order,
gave her every help
that was necessary, and
promised to acknowledge the house.
Then there was a discussion
about the revenues of the monastery,
and for many reasons
we never would allow
more than thirteen sisters together.
Before we began our arrangements,
we wrote to the holy friar,
Peter of Alcantara,
telling him all that was taking place;
and he
advised us
not to abandon our work, and
gave us his sanction on all points.
17. As soon as the affair
began to be known here,
there fell upon us
a violent persecution,
which cannot be very easily described
-- sharp sayings and keen jests.
People said it was folly in me,
who was so well off
in my monastery;
as to my friend,
the persecution was so continuous,
that it wearied her.
I did not know what to do, and
I thought
that people were partly in the right.
When I was thus heavily afflicted,
I commended myself to God, and
His Majesty began
to console and encourage me.
He told me
that I could then see
what the Saints had to go through
who founded the religious Orders:
that I had much heavier persecutions
to endure than I could imagine,
but I was not to mind them.
He told me also
what I was to say to my friend; and
what surprised me most was,
that we were
consoled at once
as to the past, and
resolved to withstand
everybody courageously.
And so it came to pass;
for among people of prayer, and indeed
in the whole neighbourhood,
there was hardly one
who was not against us, and
who did not think our work
the greatest folly.
18. There was so much
talking and confusion
in the very monastery wherein I was,
that the Provincial began to think it
hard for him to set himself
against everybody;
so he
changed his mind, and
would not acknowledge
the new house.
He said
that the revenue was
not certain, and
too little,
while the opposition was great.
On the whole,
it seemed that he was right;
he gave it up at last, and
would have nothing to do with it.
It was a very great pain to us,
-- for we seemed now
to have received the first blow, --
and in particular to me,
to find the Provincial against us;
for when he approved of the plan,
I considered myself blameless
before all.
They would not give absolution
to my friend,
if she did not abandon the project;
for they said she was bound
to remove the scandal.
19. She went to
a very learned man, and
a very great servant of God,
of the Order of St. Dominic, [477]
(Fr. Peter Ibañez - see Foot Note)
to whom she gave an account
of all this matter.
This was even before the Provincial
had withdrawn his consent;
for in this place we had no one
who would give us advice;
and so they said
that it all proceeded solely
from our obstinacy.
That lady
gave an account of everything, and
told the holy man
how much she received
from the property of her husband.
Having, a great desire
that he would help us,
-- for he was
the most learned man here, and
there are few in his Order
more learned than he,--
I told him myself
all we intended to do, and
some of my motives.
I never said a word
of any revelation whatever,
speaking only of the natural reasons
which influenced me;
for I would not have him
give an opinion otherwise
than on those grounds.
He asked us
to give him eight days
before he answered, and also
if we had made up our minds
to abide by what he might say.
I said we had;
but
though I said so, and
though I thought so,
I never lost a certain confidence
that the monastery would be founded.
My friend had more faith than I;
nothing they could say
could make her give it up.
As for myself,
though, as I said,
it seemed to me impossible
that the work should be
finally abandoned,
yet my belief in the truth
of the revelation
went no further than
in so far as it was
not against what is contained
in the sacred writings,
nor against the laws
of the Church,
which we are bound to keep.
Though the revelation seemed to me
to have come really from God,
yet, if that learned man had told me
that we could not go on
without offending God and
going against our conscience,
I believe I should have
given it up, and
looked out for some other way;
but our Lord showed me
no other way than this.
20. The servant of God
told me afterwards
- that he had made up his mind
to insist on the abandonment
of our project,
for he had already heard
the popular cry:
moreover, he, as everybody did,
thought it folly;
and a certain nobleman also,
as soon as he knew
that we had gone to him,
had sent him word
to consider well
what he was doing, and
to give us no help;
- that when he began
to consider the answer
he should make us, and
to ponder on the matter,
the object we had in view,
our manner
of life, and
the Order,
he became convinced
-- that it was greatly
for the service of God, and
-- that we must not give it up.
Accordingly, his answer was
that we should make haste
to settle the matter.
He told us
- how and in what way
it was to be done;
- and if our means were scanty,
we must trust somewhat in God.
- If anyone made any objections,
they were to go to him--
he would answer them;
and in this way he always helped us,
as I shall show by and by. [478]
21. This answer was
a great comfort to us;
so also was the conduct
of certain holy persons
who were usually against us:
they were now pacified, and
some of them even helped us.
One of them was
the saintly nobleman [479]
(Francis de Salcedo)
of whom I spoke before; [480]
he looked on it
--so, indeed, it was--
as a means of great perfection,
because the whole foundation
was laid in prayer.
He saw also
very many difficulties before us, and
no way out of them,
--yet he
gave up his own opinion, and
admitted that
the work might be of God.
Our Lord Himself must have
touched his heart,
as He also did that of the doctor,
the priest and servant of God,
to whom, as I said before, [481]
(Gaspar Daza)
I first spoke,
who is an example to the whole city,
--being one
whom God maintains there
for the relief and progress
of many souls:
he, too, came now
to give us his assistance.
22. When matters had come
to this state, and
always with the help of many prayers,
we purchased a house
in a convenient spot;
and though it was small,
I cared not at all for that,
for our Lord had told me
- to go into it as well as I could, --
- that I should see afterwards
what He would do;
and how well I have seen it!
I saw, too,
how scanty were our means; and
yet I believed our Lord
would order these things
by other ways, and
be gracious unto us.
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Foot Notes:
[471] See [377]ch. v. § 14,
[378]ch. vi. § 1.
[472] [379]Ch. xxxi. § 3.
[473] In 1558 (De la Fuente).
[474] This was said by
Maria de Ocampo,
niece of St. Teresa,
then living in the
monastery of the Incarnation,
but not a religious;
afterwards Maria Bautista,
Prioress of the Carmelites
at Valladolid (Ribera, i. 7).
[475] [380]Ch. xxiv. § 5.
DoñaGuiomar de Ulloa.
[476] The Provincial of the Carmelites:
F. Angel de Salasar
(De la Fuente).
[477] F. Pedro Ibañez
(De la Fuente).
[478] [381]Ch. xxxiii. § 8.
[479] Francis de Salcedo.
[480] [382]Ch. xxiii. § 6.
[481] Gaspar Daza.
See [383]ch. xxiii. § 6.
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