Ch. 2 - The Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila - The Life of Teresa of Jesus

THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
TERESA OF JESUS

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.

[ See CHAPTER 2  below ]

Discussion Questions/Topics
to keep in mind as we read along:

1a). What does St. Teresa report is the source of harm,
        "especially when we are young" ?
          [ Life: Ch 2:  #3, 5 ]

1b). What advise would St. Teresa give to parents?
         [ Life: Ch 2: #1, 3, 5,7 ]

2). What does St. Teresa say about good company ?
       [ Life: Ch 2: #6, 10, 11, 12 ]

3). Despite her lack of bad intentions,
     St. Teresa reported that
           her pastimes negatively influenced her.
      What were these?
      Did she describe a step-wise progression?
       [ Life: Ch 2:  #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ]

4). Whose behavior, according to Teresa,
        influenced her own behavior, positively or negatively?
        [ Life: Ch 2: #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10]

5). Teresa mentions
         how God delivered her "back to Himself".
         How does she describe
                  how God blessed her in this way?
                  [ Life: Ch 2:   #7, 11, 12 ]

6). In describing her own faults,
        what allowances does Teresa give herself?
        [ Life: Ch 2:  #1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12 ]

7). How does she blame herself?
       [ Life: Ch 2: #2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9]

8). In many of St. Teresa's writings,
       the concern for honor is an attachment,
          involving pride and
          a desire for the esteem of others,
       which is an obstacle in the spiritual life.

     What does St. Teresa say about her concern
          regarding her honor in this chapter?
           [ Life: Ch 2: # 4,  6, 7, 9, 10 ]

9). What does she later conclude about "honor" ?
       [ Life: Ch 2:  #9]
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The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.

    CHAPTER 2 

 Describes:
   - How she lost these virtues and
   - How important it is to deal from childhood
         with virtuous persons.

  - Early Impressions.
  - Dangerous Books and Companions.
  - The Saint Is Placed in a Monastery.

1. What I shall now speak of was, I believe,
         the beginning of great harm to me.

I often think
     how wrong it is of parents not to be very careful
           that their children should always, and in every way,
               see only that which is good;

 for though my mother was, as I have just said,
        so good herself,
    nevertheless I, when I came to the use of reason,
  did not derive so much good from her
       as I ought to have done, almost none at all;

  and the evil I learned did me much harm.

She was very fond of books of chivalry;
    but this pastime did not hurt her so much
        as it hurt me,
    because she never wasted her time on them;

    only we, her children, were left at liberty to read them;
  
    and perhaps she did this to
         - distract her thoughts from her great sufferings,
            and
         - occupy her children,
               that they might not go astray in other ways.

    It annoyed my father so much,
    that we had to be careful he never saw us.

    I contracted a habit of reading these books;
    and this little fault
                 which I observed in my mother was
       - the beginning of lukewarmness
                     in my good desires, and
       - the occasion of my falling away
                     in other respects.

    I thought there was no harm in it
           when I wasted many hours night and day
           in so vain an occupation,
       even when I kept it a secret from my father.

   So completely was I mastered by this passion,
       that I thought I could never be happy
             without a new book.


2. I began to make much of dress,
         to wish to please others by my appearance.

         I took pains with my hands and my hair,
                used perfumes, and all vanities within my reach
                       and they were many,
            for I was very much given to them.

I had no evil intention, because
     I never wished any one to offend God for me.

This fastidiousness of excessive neatness
            lasted some years;
     and so also did other practices,
          which I thought then were not at all sinful;
   now, I see how wrong all this must have been.

3. I had some cousins;
        for into my father's house
                no others were allowed an entrance.

In this he was very cautious;
    and would to God he had been cautious about them!
for I see now the danger of conversing,
            at an age when virtue should begin to grow,
  with persons who,
              knowing nothing, themselves,
                   of the vanity of the world,
      provoke others to throw themselves
                    into the midst of it.

These cousins were nearly of mine own age,
          a little older, perhaps.

We were always together;
       and they had a great affection for me.

In everything that gave them pleasure, I
     - kept the conversation alive, 
     - listened to the stories
               of their affections and childish follies,
                   good for nothing;
  and what was still worse,
     my soul began to give itself up
        to that which was the cause of all its disorders.

If I were to give advice, I would say to parents
   that they ought to be very careful
          whom they allow to mix
             with their children when young;

   for much mischief thence ensues,
   and our natural inclinations are unto evil
          rather than unto good.

4. So it was with me;
for I had a sister much older than myself,
  from whose modesty and goodness,
           which were great,
      I learned nothing;
  and learned every evil
  from a relative who was often in the house.

  She was so light and frivolous,
     that my mother took great pains
             to keep her out of the house,
         as if she foresaw the evil
             I should learn from her;
     but she could not succeed,
           there being so many reasons for her coming.

I was very fond of this person's company,
      gossiped and talked with her;
   for she helped me in all the amusements I liked,

   and, what is more,
           - found some for me, and
           - communicated to me her own conversations
                  and her vanities.


 Until I knew her, I mean,
     until she became friendly with me, and
             communicated to me her own affairs
                 I was then about fourteen years old,
                          a little more, I think
    I do not believe that
            I turned away from God in mortal sin,
            or lost the fear of Him,
        though I had a greater fear of disgrace.

        This latter fear had such sway over me,
          that I never wholly forfeited my good name
        and, as to that,
            there was nothing in the world
               for which I would have bartered it,
            and nobody in the world I liked well enough
               who could have persuaded me to do it.

Thus I might have had the strength
        never to do anything against the honour of God,

as I had it by nature not to fail in that wherein
    I thought the honour of the world consisted;

and I never observed
     that I was failing in many other ways.

In vainly seeking after it I was extremely careful;
  but in the use of the means necessary for preserving it
     I was utterly careless.
I was anxious only not to be lost altogether.


5. This friendship distressed my father and sister exceedingly.
They often blamed me for it;
   but, as they could not hinder that person
          from coming into the house,
      all their efforts were in vain;

    for I was very adroit in doing
         anything that was wrong.

Now and then, I am amazed
    at the evil one bad companion can do,
nor could I believe it
    if I did not know it by experience,

    especially when we are young:
       then is it that the evil must be greatest.

Oh, that parents would take warning by me,
    and look carefully to this!

So it was;
  the conversation of this person so changed me,
     that no trace was left
           of my soul's natural disposition to virtue,
   and I became a reflection of her
           and of another
        who was given to the same kind of amusements.


6. I know from this
        the great advantage of good companions;

      and I am certain
                  that if at that tender age
      I had been thrown among good people,
        I should have persevered in virtue;

for if at that time I had found any one
        to teach me the fear of God,
   my soul would have grown strong enough
        not to fall away.

Afterwards, when
       the fear of God
                   had utterly departed from me,
       the fear of dishonour
                   alone remained,
            and was a torment to me in all I did.

When I thought that nobody would ever know,
     I ventured upon many things
  that were neither honourable nor pleasing unto God.


7. In the beginning,
           these conversations did me harm, I believe so.
         The fault was perhaps not hers,
             but mine;
    for afterwards my own wickedness
         was enough to lead me astray,
              together with the servants about me,
              whom I found ready enough for all evil.

If any one of these had given me good advice,
   I might perhaps have profited by it;
but they were blinded by interest,
    as I was by passion.

Still, I was never inclined to much evil,
      for I hated naturally anything dishonourable,
  but only to the amusement of a pleasant conversation.

The occasion of sin, however, being present,
       danger was at hand,
   and I exposed to it my father and brothers.

God delivered me out of it all,
    so that I should not be lost,
         in a manner visibly against my will,
    yet not so secretly
         as to allow me to escape without
             the loss of my good name and
             the suspicions of my father.

8. I had not spent, I think, three months
                 in these vanities,
        when they took me to a monastery
            in the city where I lived,
        in which children like myself were brought up,
            though their way of life
                     was not so wicked as mine.

This was done with the utmost concealment
             of the true reason,
        which was known only to myself
             and one of my kindred.
They waited for an opportunity
    which would make the change
             seem nothing out of the way;
    for, as my sister was married,
         it was not fitting I should remain alone,
            without a mother, in the house.

9. So excessive was my father's love for me,
   and so deep my dissembling,
      that he never would believe me
          to be so wicked as I was;
      and hence I was never in disgrace with him.

   Though some remarks were made,
         yet, as the time had been short,
       nothing could be positively asserted; and,
    as I was so much afraid about my good name,
       I had taken every care to be secret;

and yet I never considered
    that I could conceal nothing from Him
          Who seeth all things.

O my God,
    what evil is done in the world
              by disregarding this,
       and thinking that anything can be kept secret
             that is done against Thee!

I am quite certain
      that great evils would be avoided
    if we clearly understood
       that what we have to do is,
        - not to be on our guard against men,
        - but on our guard against displeasing Thee.

10. For the first eight days, I suffered much;
        but more from the suspicion
               that my vanity was known,
        than from being in the monastery;

   for I was already weary of myself
        and, though I offended God,
     I never ceased to have a great fear of Him,
     and contrived to go to confession
            as quickly as I could.

I was very uncomfortable;
         but within eight days, I think sooner,
   I was much more contented
         than I had been in my father's house.

All the nuns were pleased with me;
   for our Lord had given me the grace
        to please every one,
        wherever I might be.

I was therefore made much of in the monastery.

Though at this time I hated to be a nun,
    yet I was delighted
          at the sight of nuns so good;
          for they were very good in that house
                - very prudent,
                - observant of the rule, and
                - recollected.

11. Yet, for all this,
    the devil did not cease to tempt me;
      and people in the world
            sought means to trouble my rest
                      with messages and presents.

           As this could not be allowed,
                 it was soon over,
      and my soul began to return to the good habits
                of my earlier years;

 and I recognized the great mercy of God to those
          whom He places among good people.

It seems as if His Majesty had sought and sought again
    how to convert me to Himself.

Blessed be Thou, O Lord,
       for having borne with me so long!
Amen.


12. Were it not for my many faults,
           there was some excuse for me, I think,
                in this:

       - that the conversation I shared in
               was with one who, I thought,
            would do well in the estate of matrimony;

            [Footnote: "it is more probable
              that the Saint had listened only to the
             story of her cousin's intended marriage"]


       - and I was told by my confessors,
                  and others also,
                  whom in many points I consulted, used to say,
         that I was not offending God.

    One of the nuns  slept with us
               who were seculars,
    and through her it pleased our Lord to give me light,
         as I shall now explain.
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