Chapter 4 - The Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila - The Life of Teresa of Jesus

THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
        TERESA OF JESUS

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel.

See Chapter 4 below.

Describes:
- She explains how, with the assistance of God, 
    she compelled herself to take the (Religious) habit,
- and how His Majesty began
   to send her many infirmities.

- Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun.
- Her Many Infirmities.

Discussion Questions / Topics
     to keep in mind
    as we read along:

1). What benefits did St. Teresa experience
       when she entered the convent?
       [ Life: Ch. 4: #2, 14 ]

2). What does St. Teresa teach regarding
       hesitating to act because of fear?
       [ Life: Ch. 4:  #1, 2]

3a). What book does St. Teresa say she read?
        [ Life: Ch. 4: #8 ]

3b). How did it help her?
        [ Life: Ch. 4: #8 ]

4). St Teresa stated that as a young adult
          she was granted the grace of Union with God.

     "It is true that the prayer of union
          lasted but a short time:
      I know not if it continued
         for the space of an Ave Maria;
      but the fruits of it remained..."

     What was a result of this experience ?
        [ Life: Ch. 4: #9 ]

5a). How did St. Teresa pray?
        [ Life: Ch. 4: #10]


5b). What shortcomings did St. Teresa say
         she experienced in her prayer
        regarding the use of the faculties ?
          [ Life: Ch. 4: #10 ]

6a). What benefit will those who are able to meditate
            (with the aid of the faculties) receive ?
              [ Life: Ch. 4: #11 ]

6b). What does St. Teresa say and advise regarding
         those unable to meditate
          with the labor of the understanding?
          [ Life: Ch. 4: #11, 12 ]

7).  St. Teresa continues to describe
          her prayer life, her inability to meditate, and
          her experience of aridity in prayer.
     Briefly list what she said helped her in her prayer?
         [ Life: Ch. 4: #13, 14]
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THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER TERESA OF JESUS
The Book of Her Life
The Autobiography of Teresa of Avila

  The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

CHAPTER 4

- Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun.
- Her Many Infirmities.

1. In those days, when I was thus resolved,
  I had persuaded one of my brothers,
  by speaking to him of the vanity of the world,
     to become a friar;
  and we agreed together to set out one day
     very early in the morning for the monastery
   where that friend of mine lived
     for whom I had so great an affection: 

    though I would have gone to any other monastery,
         if I thought I should serve God better in it,
         or to any one my father liked,
    so strong was my resolution now to become a nun

    for I thought more of the salvation of my soul now,
        and made no account whatever of mine own ease.

I remember perfectly well, and it is quite true,
   that the pain I felt
      when I left my father's house was so great,
   that I do not believe the pain of dying will be greater
      for it seemed to me as if
        every bone in my body were wrenched asunder;

   for, as I had no love of God
          to destroy my love of father and of kindred,
     this latter love came upon me with a violence so great
     that, if our Lord had not been my keeper,
          my own resolution to go on would have failed me.

But He gave me courage to fight against myself, so
that I executed my purpose.
...[ Life: Ch. 4: #1 ]

2. When I took the habit,
         our Lord at once made me understand
     how He helps those who do violence to themselves
         in order to serve Him.

No one observed this violence in me;
  they saw nothing but the greatest good will.

At that moment, because I was entering on that state,
   I was filled with a joy so great,
      that it has never failed me to this day;

and God converted the aridity of my soul
     into the greatest tenderness.

Everything in religion was a delight unto me;

and it is true that
   now and then I used to sweep the house
during those hours of the day which I had
   formerly spent on my amusements and my dress;
and, calling to mind
   that I was delivered from such follies,
I was filled with a new joy that surprised me,
nor could I understand whence it came.
...[ Life: Ch. 4: #2 ]

3. Whenever I remember this,
    there is nothing in the world,
     however hard it may be,
   that, if it were proposed to me,
    I would not undertake
       without any hesitation whatever;

  for I know now, by experience in many things,
  that if from the first
      I resolutely persevere in my purpose,
                 even in this life
His Majesty rewards it in a way
      which he only understands who has tried it.

When the act is done for God only,
   it is His will before we begin it
     that the soul,
               in order to the increase of its merits,
         should be afraid;
     and the greater the fear,
               if we do but succeed,
     the greater the reward,
         and the sweetness thence afterwards resulting.

I know this by experience, as I have just said,
   in many serious affairs;

and so, if I were a person who had to advise anybody,
I would never counsel any one,
           to whom good inspirations
           from time to time may come,
   to resist them through fear
     of the difficulty of carrying them into effect;

for if a person lives detached
    for the love of God only,
that is no reason for being afraid of failure, 
    for He is omnipotent.

May He be blessed for ever! Amen.
...[ Life: Ch. 4: #3 ]

4. O supreme Good, and my Rest,
 those graces ought to have been enough which
   Thou hadst given me hitherto,

  seeing that Thy compassion and greatness
   had drawn me through so many windings
     to a state so secure,

   to a house
     where there are so many servants of God,
   from whom I might learn
      how I may advance in Thy service.

I know not how to go on,
  when I call to mind
    - the circumstances of my profession,
    - the great resolution and joy
        with which I made it, and
    - my betrothal unto Thee.

I cannot speak of it without tears;
and my tears ought to be tears of blood,
      my heart ought to break,
       and that would not be much to suffer
   because of the many offences against Thee
    which I have committed since that day.

It seems to me now that I had good reasons
  for not wishing for this dignity,
     seeing that I have made so sad a use of it.

But Thou, O my Lord,
   hast been willing to bear with me
         for almost twenty years
     of my evil using of Thy graces,
         till I might become better.

It seems to me, O my God,
    that I did nothing
       but promise
          never to keep any of the promises
       then made to Thee.

Yet such was not my intention:

but I see that what I have done since
   is of such a nature,
 that I know not what my intention was.

So it was and so it happened,
  that it may be the better known,
O my Bridegroom,
    Who Thou art
             and what I am.
     ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #4 ]

5. It is certainly true that very frequently
  the joy I have
           in that the multitude of Thy mercies
    is made known in me,
          softens the bitter sense of my great faults.

In whom, O Lord, can they shine forth
       as they do in me,
   who by my evil deeds
      have shrouded in darkness Thy great graces,
  which Thou hadst begun to work in me?

Woe is me, O my Maker!
If I would make an excuse,
   I have none to offer;
 and I only am to blame.

For if I could return to Thee
   any portion of that love
which Thou hadst begun to show unto me,

I would give it only unto Thee,
  and then everything would have been safe.

But, as I have not deserved this,
 nor been so happy as to have done it,
let Thy mercy,
  O Lord, rest upon me.
   ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #5 ]

6. The change in the habits of my life,
        and in my food,
      proved hurtful to my health;

   and though my happiness was great,
     that was not enough.

The fainting-fits began to be more frequent;
and my heart was so seriously affected,
   that every one who saw it was alarmed;
and I had also many other ailments.

And thus, it was I spent the first year,
   having very bad health,
though I do not think I offended God in it much.

And as my illness was so serious,
  I was almost insensible at all times,
     and frequently wholly

so my father took great pains to find some relief;
and as the physicians who attended me
     had none to give,
  he had me taken to a place
    which had a great reputation
  for the cure of other infirmities.

They said I should find relief there.

That friend of whom I have spoken
   as being in the house went with me.
She was one of the elder nuns.
In the house where I was a nun,
   there was no vow of enclosure.
   ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #6 ]

7. I remained there nearly a year,
       for three months of it
            suffering most cruel tortures effects
       of the violent remedies which they applied.

I know not how I endured them;
and indeed, though I submitted myself to them,
  they were, as I shall relate,
    more than my constitution could bear.
    ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #7 ]

8. I was to begin the treatment in the spring,
and went thither when winter commenced.

The intervening time I spent with my sister,
  of whom I spoke before,
       in her house in the country,
  waiting for the month of April,
      which was drawing near,
  that I might not have to go and return.

The uncle
      of whom I have made mention before,
and whose house was on our road,
  gave me a book called Tercer Abecedario,

    [ Third Spiritual Alphabet
       By Fray Francisco de Osuna,
            of the Order of St. Francis ]

       which treats of the prayer of recollection.

Though in the first year
    I had read good books
    for I would read no others,
because I understood now
    the harm they had done me

I did not know how to make my prayer,
        nor how to recollect myself.

I was therefore much pleased with the book, 
  and resolved to follow the way of prayer
    it described with all my might.

And as our Lord had already bestowed upon me
    the gift of tears,
 and I found pleasure in reading,
    I began
      - to spend a certain time in solitude,
      - to go frequently to confession,
      - and make a beginning of that way of prayer,
           with this book for my guide;

      for I had no master, I mean, no confessor
           who understood me,

      though I sought for such a one
           for twenty years afterwards:
      which did me much harm,
            in that I frequently went backwards,
      and might have been even utterly lost;

      for, anyhow, a director would have helped me
        to escape the risks I ran
          of sinning against God.
          ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #8 ]

9. From the very beginning,
        God was most gracious unto me.

Though I was not so free from sin
     as the book required, I passed that by;

such watchfulness seemed to me almost impossible.

I was on my guard against mortal sin
  and would to God I had always been so!

but I was careless about venial sins, and
  that was my ruin.

Yet, for all this,
     at the end of my stay there
          I spent nearly nine months
     in the practice of solitude

    our Lord began to comfort me so much
          in this way of prayer,

    as in His mercy to raise me
         to the prayer of quiet,
    and now and then to that of union,

    though I understood
      not what either the one
            or the other was,

      nor the great esteem
        I ought to have had of them.

I believe
    it would have been a great blessing to me
if I had understood the matter.

It is true that the prayer of union
   lasted but a short time:

   I know not if it continued
      for the space of an Ave Maria;

but the fruits of it remained;
  and they were such that,
    though I was then not twenty years of age,
 I seemed to despise the world utterly;
   and so I remember how sorry I was
     for those who followed its ways,
       though only in things lawful.
       ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #9 ]

10. I used to labour with all my might
    to imagine Jesus Christ, our Good and our Lord,
        present within me.

And this was the way I prayed.

If I meditated on any mystery of His life,
   I represented it to myself as within me,

 though the greater part of my time
      I spent in reading good books,
   which was all my comfort;

for God never endowed me
     with the gift of making reflections
         with the understanding,
     or
     with that of using the imagination
         to any good purpose:

my imagination is so sluggish,
    that even if I would
               - think of, or
               - picture to myself,
       as I used to labour to picture,
              our Lord's Humanity,
    I never could do it.
    ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #10 ]

11. And though men may attain more quickly
               to the state of contemplation,
   if they persevere,
        by this way of inability to exert the intellect,
   yet is the process more laborious and painful;

for  if the will have nothing to occupy it,
and if love have no present object to rest on,
   the soul is without support and
                   without employment,
       its isolation and dryness occasion great pain,
            and the thoughts assail it most grievously.

Persons in this condition
   must have greater purity of conscience
    than those who can make use of their understanding;

   for he who can use his intellect
      in the way of meditation
          - on what the world is,
          - on what he owes to God,
          - on the great sufferings of God for him,
          - his own scanty service in return, and
          - on the reward God reserves
                 for those who love Him,
      learns how to defend himself
        against his own thoughts, and
        against the occasions and perils of sin.

On the other hand,
   he who has not that power is in greater danger,
        and ought to occupy himself much in reading,
     seeing that he is not in the slightest degree
        able to help himself.
        ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #11 ]

12. This way of proceeding is so exceedingly painful,
   that if the master who teaches it
          insists on cutting off the succours
            which reading gives, and
          requires the spending of much time in prayer,

    then, I say, it will be impossible to persevere long in it:

    and if he persists in his plan,
        health will be ruined,
     because it is a most painful process.

     Reading is of great service
         towards procuring recollection
           in any one who proceeds in this way;

         and it is even necessary for him,
            however little it may be that he reads,

         if only as a substitute for the mental prayer
           which is beyond his reach.
            ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #12 ]

13. Now I seem to understand that
  it was the good providence of our Lord over me
     that found no one to teach me.

If I had, it would have been impossible for me
    to persevere during the eighteen years
        of my trial and
        of those great aridities
    because of my inability to meditate.

During all this time,
          it was only after Communion
      that I ever ventured to begin my prayer
           without a book
      my soul was as much afraid to pray without one,
          as if it had to fight against a host.

With a book to help me
    it was like a companion, and
                    a shield
         whereon
                        to receive the blows of many thoughts
              I found comfort;

  for  it was not usual with me to be in aridity:
  but I always was so when I had no book;
      for my soul was disturbed,
         and my thoughts wandered at once.

With one,
    I began to collect my thoughts,
and, using it as a decoy,
    kept my soul in peace, very frequently
         by merely opening a book
there was no necessity for more.

Sometimes, I read
   but little;
              at other times,
         much
    according as our Lord had pity on me.
    ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #13 ]

14. It seemed to me,
     in these beginnings of which I am speaking,
   that there could be no danger
       capable of withdrawing me from so great a blessing,
              if I
                      - had but books, and
                      - could have remained alone;

and I believe that, by the grace of God,
     it would have been so,
  if I had had a master or any one
       to warn me
          against those occasions of sin in the beginning,

and, if I fell,
        to bring me quickly out of them.

If the devil had assailed me openly then,
  I believe I should never have fallen
           into any grievous sin;

but he was so subtle, and I so weak,
   that all my good resolutions
      were of little service

  though, in those days in which I served God,
    they were very profitable in enabling me,
       with that patience which His Majesty gave me,
             to endure the alarming illnesses
       which I had to bear.

I have often thought with wonder
     of the great goodness of God;

and my soul has rejoiced in the contemplation
    of His great magnificence and mercy.

May He be blessed for ever!

for I see clearly that
  He has not omitted to reward me,
         even in this life,
     for every one of my good desires.

My good works,
       however wretched and imperfect,
    have been made better and perfected by Him
       Who is my Lord:

He has rendered them meritorious.

As to my evil deeds and my sins,
   He hid them at once.
The eyes of those who saw them,
   He made even blind;
and He has blotted them
    out of their memory.

He gilds my faults,
     makes virtue to shine forth,
   giving it to me Himself,
     and compelling me to possess it,
         as it were, by force.
     ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #14 ]

15. I must now return to
    that which has been enjoined me.

I say, that if I had to describe minutely
    how our Lord dealt with me in the beginning,
it would be necessary for me
    to have another understanding
       than that I have:

    so that I might be able to appreciate
       what I owe to Him,

       together with my own
           ingratitude and wickedness;
    for I have forgotten it all.

May He be blessed for ever
   Who has borne with me so long!
Amen.
 ...[ Life: Ch. 4: #15 ]

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