Chapter 6 - Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila - The Life of Teresa of Jesus

THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
         TERESA OF JESUS

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

         CHAPTER 6


Discussion Questions / Topics
    to keep in mind
    as we read along:

1a). How did St. Teresa describe her penitence ?
        How did it affect her prayer?
       [ Life: Ch 6: #5, 6 ]


1b). Where did she think "the whole evil lay " ?
        [ Life: Ch 6: #6, 7 ]


2). What does St. Teresa say is "our delusion"?
      [ Life: Ch 6: #8 ]


3a). To which Saint
        does St. Teresa recommend us to pray
        and Why?
        [ Life: Ch 6: #12, 11, 9]


3b). To what fault does St. Teresa admit when she
         had celebrated this saint's feast in the past?
         [ Life: Ch 6: #10]


4). St Teresa describes
      the mercies of God and
      the graces that He granted to her:


       "...it seems to me that
        by Thy favour and mercy
        I might say with Saint Paul...


            'For it is not I now who live, but Thou,
            my Creator, livest in me'. [Gal 2:20]


         For some years past, so it seems to me,
         Thou hast held me by The hand..."


         How does she go on to describe in humility,
          her constant dependence on God ?
          [ Life: Ch 6: #15, 16 ]
_____________________________________

THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
TERESA OF JESUS


The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

 CHAPTER 6

 Describes:
- Of the great debt she owes God
     for giving her conformity of her will
     (with His) in her trials,
- and how she turned towards the
    glorious St. Joseph
    as her helper and advocate,
- and how much she profited thereby.
   She Takes St. Joseph for Her Patron


1.After those four days,

   during which I was insensible,
so great was my distress,
  that our Lord alone knoweth
the intolerable sufferings I endured.

My tongue was bitten to pieces;
  there was a choking in my throat
because I had taken nothing,
  and because of my weakness,
so that I could not swallow

  even a drop of water;


all my bones seemed to be out of joint,
  and the disorder of my head was extreme.


I was bent together like a coil of ropes
  for to this was I brought by the torture
of those days unable to move
  either arm, or foot, or hand, or head,
any more than if I had been dead,
  unless others moved me;


I could move, however, I think,
one finger of my right hand.


Then, as to touching me,
  that was impossible,
for I was so bruised
  that I could not endure it.


They used to move me in a sheet,
  one holding one end, and another the other.
This lasted till Palm Sunday.

2. The only comfort I had was this
    if no one came near me,
my pains frequently ceased;


and then, because I had a little rest,
  I considered myself well,
for I was afraid my patience would fail:


and thus I was exceedingly happy
  when I saw myself free from those pains
which were so sharp and constant,
  though in the cold fits of an intermittent fever,
which were most violent,
  they were still unendurable.


My dislike of food was very great.

3. I was now so anxious to return to my monastery,
that I had myself conveyed thither
  in the state I was in.


There they received alive
  one whom they had waited for as dead;
but her body was worse than dead:
  the sight of it could only give pain.


It is impossible to describe my extreme weakness,

  for I was nothing but bones.


I remained in this state, as I have already said,
  more than eight months; and was paralytic,
though getting better, for about three years.


I praised God when I began to crawl
 on my hands and knees.


I bore all this with great resignation,
   and, if I except the beginning of my illness,
with great joy;


for all this was as nothing in comparison
  with the pains and tortures I had to bear at first.


I was resigned to the will of God,
  even if He left me in this state for ever.


My anxiety about the recovery of my health
  seemed to be grounded on my desire
to pray in solitude,
  as I had been taught;


for there were no means of doing so in the infirmary.


I went to confession most frequently,
  spoke much about God,
and in such a way as to edify everyone;


and they all marvelled at the patience
  which our Lord gave me
for if it had not come from the hand of His Majesty,
   it seemed impossible to endure so great an affliction
with so great a joy.

4. It was a great thing for me
to have had the grace of prayer
  which God had wrought in me;


it made me understand what it is to love Him.


In a little while, I saw these virtues renewed within me;


still they were not strong,

   for they were not sufficient to sustain me in justice.


I never spoke ill in the slightest degree
   whatever of any one,
and my ordinary practice was to avoid all detraction;


for I used to keep most carefully in mind
  that I ought not to assent to,
nor say of another,
  anything I should not like to have said of myself.


I was extremely careful to keep this resolution
  on all occasions
though not so perfectly,
  some great occasions that presented themselves,
  as not to break it sometimes.


But my ordinary practice was this:
  and thus those who were about me,
and those with whom I conversed,
  became so convinced that it was right,
that they adopted it as a habit.


It came to be understood that where I was,
  absent persons were safe;
so they were also with my friends and kindred,
and with those whom I instructed.


Still,  for all this,
  I have a strict account to give unto God
for the bad example I gave in other respects.


May it please His Majesty to forgive me,
 for I have been the cause of much evil;


though not with intentions as perverse
  as were the acts that followed.

5. The longing for solitude remained,
and I loved to discourse and speak of God;


for if I found any one with whom I could do so,
  it was a greater joy and satisfaction to me
than all the refinements
   or rather to speak more correctly,
the real rudeness of the world's conversation.


I communicated and confessed more frequently still,
  and desired to do so;


I was extremely fond of reading good books;

I was most deeply penitent for having offended God;


And I remember that very often
  I did not dare to pray,
because I was afraid of that most bitter anguish
  which I felt for having offended God,
dreading it as a great chastisement.

This grew upon me afterwards to so great a degree,
  that I know of no torment wherewith to compare it;

and yet it was neither more nor less
  because of any fear I had at any time,
for it came upon me
  only when I remembered
     - the consolations of our Lord
          which He gave me in prayer,
     - the great debt I owed Him,
     - the evil return I made:
I could not bear it.

I was also extremely angry with myself
   on account of the many tears

      I shed for my faults,


   when I saw how little I improved,
      seeing that neither my good resolutions,
    nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep me from
      falling whenever I had the opportunity.

   I looked on my tears as a delusion;

     and my faults, therefore,
          I regarded as the more grievous,
     because I saw the great goodness of our Lord to me
          in the shedding of those tears, and
     together with them such deep compunction.

6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could;
and, as I think, did all that was possible on my part
  to return to a state of grace.

But the whole evil lay
  - in my not thoroughly avoiding the occasions of sin, and
  - in my confessors, who helped me so little.


     If they had told me
        - that I was travelling on a dangerous road, and
        - that I was bound to abstain
                  from those conversations,
     I believe, without any doubt,
       that the matter would have been remedied,
     because I could not bear to remain
                  even for one day in mortal sin,

                  if I knew it.

7. All these tokens of the fear of God
       came to me through prayer;
and the greatest of them was this,
       that fear was swallowed up of love
for I never thought of chastisement.


All the time I was so ill,
   my strict watch over my conscience
reached to all that is mortal sin.

8. O my God!
I wished for health,
   that I might serve Thee better;


   that was the cause of all my ruin.


   For when I saw
      how helpless I was through paralysis,
      being still so young, and
      how the physicians of this world had dealt with me,
         I determined to ask those of heaven
                to heal me
         for I wished, nevertheless, to be well,
                though I bore my illness with great joy.

      Sometimes, too, I used to think
          that if I recovered my health,
       and yet were lost for ever,
          I was better as I was.


   But, for all that,
      I thought I might serve God much better
         if I were well.


   This is our delusion;
   we do not resign ourselves absolutely
         to the disposition of our Lord,
           Who knows best what is for our good.

9. I began by having Masses and prayers
said for my intentions;
  prayers that were highly sanctioned;


for I never liked those other devotions
  which some people, especially women, make use of
with a ceremoniousness to me intolerable,
  but which move them to be devout.
I have been given to understand
  since that they were unseemly and superstitious;

and I took for my patron and lord
  the glorious St. Joseph,
and recommended myself earnestly to him.


I saw clearly that both
    out of this my present trouble, and
    out of others of greater importance,
        relating to my honour and the loss of my soul,
this my father and lord delivered me,
   and rendered me greater services than

I knew how to ask for.


I cannot call to mind
   that I have ever asked him
at any time for anything
  which he has not granted;


and I am filled with amazement
   when I consider
     - the great favours
             which God hath given me
             through this blessed Saint;
     - the dangers from
             which he hath delivered me,
             both of body and of soul.

To other Saints,
   Our Lord seems to have given grace
       to succour men in some special necessity;
but to this glorious Saint,
   I know by experience,
       to help us in all:


and our Lord would have us understand
  that as He was Himself subject
to him upon earth


for St. Joseph
      - having the title of father, and
      - being His guardian,
   could command Him (Jesus)
      so now in heaven He (Jesus) performs all his petitions.


I have asked others to recommend themselves to St. Joseph,
  and they too know this by experience;
and there are many who are now of late devout to him,
  having had experience of this truth.

10. I used to keep his feast
   with all the solemnity I could,
but with more vanity than spirituality,
  seeking rather too much splendour and effect,
and yet with good intentions.


I had this evil in me,
  that if our Lord gave me grace to do any good,
that good became full of imperfections
  and of many faults;


but as for doing wrong,
   the indulgence of curiosity and vanity,
I was very skilful and active therein.


Our Lord forgive me!

11. Would that I could persuade all men
   to be devout to this glorious Saint;

for I know by long experience
   what blessings he can obtain for us from God.


I have never known any one
          who was really devout to him, and
          who honoured him by particular services,
   who did not visibly grow more and more in virtue;
for he helps in a special way
  those souls who commend themselves to him.


It is now some years since I have always on his feast
  asked him for something,
and I always have it.


If the petition be in any way amiss,
  he directs it aright for my greater good.

12. If I were a person
who had authority to write,
   it would be a pleasure to me
to be diffusive in speaking most minutely of the graces
  which this glorious Saint has obtained
for me and for others.


But that I may not go beyond the commandment
  that is laid upon me,
I must in many things be more brief
  than I could wish,
and more diffusive than is necessary in others;

  for, in short, I am a person who, in all that is good,
has but little discretion.

But I ask, for the love of God,
  that he who does not believe me

will make the trial for himself
  when he will see by experience
the great good that results from
  - commending oneself
        to this glorious patriarch, and
  - being devout to him.

Those who give themselves to prayer
   should in a special manner
have always a devotion to St. Joseph;


for I know not how any man
  can think of the Queen of the angels,
during the time that she suffered so much

  with the Infant Jesus,
without giving thanks to St. Joseph
  for the services he rendered them then.


He who cannot find any one
   to teach him how to pray,
let him take this glorious Saint for his master,
  and he will not wander out of the way.


13. May it please our Lord
that I have not done amiss in venturing
  to speak about St. Joseph;


for, though I publicly profess my devotion to him,
  I have always failed
    - in my service to him and
    - imitation of him.


He was like himself
   when he made me able to rise and walk,
no longer a paralytic;
and I, too, am like myself
   when I make so bad a use of this grace.

14. Who could have said
that I was so soon to fall,
  after such great consolations from God
  after His Majesty had implanted virtues in me
    which of themselves made me serve Him
   after I had been, as it were, dead,
      and in such extreme peril of eternal damnation
   after He had raised me up, soul and body,

      so that all who saw me marvelled to see me alive?


What can it mean, O my Lord?
   The life we live is so full of danger!
While I am writing this and it seems to me, too,
    by Thy grace and mercy
I may say with St. Paul,
   though not so truly as he did:
      "It is not I who live now,
        but Thou, my Creator, livest in me."

For some years past, so it seems to me,
  Thou hast held me by the hand;


and I see in myself desires and resolutions
  in some measure tested by experience,
  in many ways, during that time
never to do anything,
          however slight it may be,
     contrary to Thy will,


though I must have frequently offended
       Thy Divine Majesty
  without being aware of it;


and I also think  that nothing can be proposed to me
  that I should not with great resolution
undertake for Thy love.


In some things
   Thou hast Thyself helped me to succeed therein.


I love neither the world,
          nor the things of the world;
         
nor do I believe that anything
          that does not come from Thee
can give me pleasure;


everything else seems to me a heavy cross.

15. Still, I may easily deceive myself,
and it may be that I am not what I say I am;


but Thou knowest, O my Lord,
   that, to the best of my knowledge,
I lie not.


I am afraid, and with good reason,
   lest Thou shouldst abandon me;

for I know now how far
           my strength and
           little virtue
       can reach,
  if Thou be not ever at hand to supply them,
and to help me never to forsake Thee.


May His Majesty grant
   that I be not forsaken of Thee even now,
when I am thinking all this of myself!

16. I know not how we can wish to live,
seeing that everything is so uncertain.


Once, O Lord,
  I thought it impossible to forsake Thee so utterly;

and now that I have forsaken Thee so often,
    I cannot help being afraid;


    for when Thou didst withdraw but a little from me,
       I fell down to the ground at once.


Blessed for ever be Thou!
  Though I have forsaken Thee,
    Thou hast not forsaken me so utterly
  but that Thou hast come again and raised me up,
    giving me Thy hand always.


  Very often, O Lord, I would not take it:
  very often I would not listen
         when Thou wert calling me again,
    as I am going to show.