Chapter 7 - Autobiograpy of St. Teresa of Avila - The Life of Teresa of Jesus

THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
      TERESA OF JESUS

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

             Chapter 7

Discussion Questions / Topics
       to keep in mind
      as we read along:

1a). How did St. Teresa err
             "under the pretense of humility"?
               [ Life: Ch. 7: #1, 2, 17 ]

1b). Did she think taht this deceive others?
         What was her intention?
           [ Life: Ch. 7: #1, 2, 3 ]

2a). What did St. Teresa say
              caused her soul to be
              "injured and dissipated" ?
               [ Life: Ch. 7:   #1, 2, 10, 12]

2b). What does she say
           she should have been doing?
            [ Life: Ch. 7: #1, 14, 17, 11]

3).   St. Teresa reported that
          "It did me much harm
            that I did not to then know".

    3a). What was it that she didn't know ?
           [ Life: Ch. 7:  #7, 12, 11 ]

    3b). How did it cause her "much harm" ?
           [ Life: Ch. 7: #12 ]

4). What was the incident of the
       "great toad" and its significance?
          [ Life: Ch. 7:  #12, 13 ]

5a). What was a temptation for St. Teresa
         and a "most common temptation in beginners" ?
            [ Life: Ch. 7:  #16, 21]

5b). How did she describe her action
        in regard to this temptation?
            [ Life: Ch. 7:  #16, 17, 20, 21]

6). Is there ever sufficient reason not to pray?
         [ Life: Ch. 7:  #19, 24, 20 ]

7a). By means of prayer, what did she learn ?
      [ Life: Ch. 7: #27 ]

7b). What were the "two contradictions"
        that she endured "without abandoning
         either the one or the other?
         [ Life: Ch. 7: #27, 28 ]

8). Why does St. Teresa say that God
       "hid the evil and revealed some little virtue
         if...I had any  and made it great in the eyes of all,
        so that they always held me in much honour?
            [ Life: Ch. 7: #29 ]

9). How did St. Teresa's father derive benefit
         from his own suffering?
          [ Life: Ch. 7: #24, 20 ]


10). What advise does St. Teresa give
          regarding friendships?
           [ Life: Ch. 7:  #32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37]

_____________________________________
The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,      
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

Chapter 7

Describes:
- Of the way whereby she lost the graces
   God had granted her,
- and the wretched life she began to lead;
- she also speaks of the danger arising
  from the want of a strict enclosure in convents of nuns.

- Lukewarmness.
- The Loss of Grace.
- Inconvenience of Laxity
  in Religious Houses.

1. So, then, going on
       - from pastime to pastime,
       - from vanity to vanity,
       - from one occasion of sin to another,
     I began to expose myself exceedingly
         to the very greatest dangers:

  my soul was so distracted by many vanities,
         that I was ashamed to draw near unto God
    in an act of such special friendship
         as that of prayer. 

As my sins multiplied,
   I began to lose the pleasure and comfort
I had in virtuous things:
   and that loss
          contributed to the abandonment of prayer.

I see now most clearly, O my Lord,
   that this comfort departed from me
 because I had departed from Thee.

2. It was the most fearful delusion
     into which Satan could plunge me

     - to give up prayer
            under the pretence of humility.

I began to be afraid of giving myself to prayer,
    because I saw myself so lost.

I thought it would be better for me,
            seeing that in my wickedness
            I was one of the most wicked,
    to live like the multitude
    to say the prayers which I was bound to say,
              and that vocally:
    not to practise mental prayer
    nor commune with God so much;

for
- I deserved to be with the devils, and
- was deceiving those who were about me,
   because I made an outward show of goodness;

and therefore the community
            in which I dwelt
    is not to be blamed;

for with my cunning I so managed matters,
    that all had a good opinion of me;

and yet I did not seek this deliberately
    by simulating devotion;
for in all that relates to hypocrisy and ostentation
   Glory be to God!
I do not remember that I ever offended Him,
   so far as I know.

The very first movements herein
    gave me such pain,
that the devil would depart from me with loss,
    and the gain remained with me;
and thus, accordingly, he never tempted me much
    in this way.

Perhaps, however, if God had permitted Satan
  to tempt me as sharply herein
     as he tempted me in other things,
  I should have fallen also into this;
But His Majesty has preserved me until now.

May He be blessed for evermore!

It was rather a heavy affliction to me
   that I should be thought so well of;
for I knew my own secret.

3. The reason why they thought
    I was not so wicked was this:

 they saw that I, who was
      so young, and
      exposed to so many occasions of sin,

    - withdrew myself so often
         into solitude for prayer,
    - read much,
    - spoke of God,
    - that I liked to have His image painted
        in many places,
    - to have an oratory of my own, and
    - furnish it with objects of devotion,
    - that I spoke ill of no one, and
    - other things of the same kind in me
   which have the appearance of virtue.

Yet all the while I was so vain
  I knew how to procure respect for myself
       by doing those things
  which in the world
       are usually regarded with respect.

4. In consequence of this,
       they gave me as much liberty
          as they did to the oldest nuns,
       and even more,
       and had great confidence in me;

for as to
         taking any liberty for myself, or
         doing anything without leave, such as,
         conversing through the door,
              or in secret,
              or by night
     I do not think I could have brought myself
        to speak with anybody
              in the monastery in that way,
     and I never did it;
        for our Lord held me back.

It seemed to me, 
          for I
            - considered many things carefully
            - and of set purpose
      that it would be a very evil deed on my part,
                     wicked as I was,
            to risk the credit of so many nuns,
                     who were all good
            as if everything else I did
                     was well done!

In truth, the evil I did
       was not the result of deliberation,
   as this would have been,
       if I had done it,
   although it was too much so.

5. Therefore, I think that
         it did me much harm
             to be in a monastery not enclosed.

The liberty
       which those who were good
            might have with advantage :
            They not being obliged to do
                   more than they do,
               because they had not bound
                   themselves to enclosure.

(But, this liberty) would certainly have led me,
               who am wicked,
    straight to hell,
 if our Lord,
            by so many remedies and means
                 of His most singular mercy,
   had not delivered me out of that danger

and it is, I believe, the very greatest danger
    namely, a monastery of women unenclosed
yea, more, I think it is,
    for those who will be wicked,
             a road to hell,
        rather than
            a help to their weakness.

This is not to be understood of my monastery;
   for there are so many there
             who in the utmost sincerity, and
                     in great perfection,
                             serve our Lord,
   so that His Majesty, according to His goodness,
              cannot but be gracious unto them;

  neither is it one of those
    which are most open
       for all religious observances are kept in it;

and I am speaking only of others
      which I have seen and known.

6. I am exceedingly sorry for these houses,
   because our Lord must of necessity
     send His special inspirations
                   not merely once,
                   but many times,
         if the nuns therein are to be saved,

    - seeing that the honours
       and amusements of the world
         are allowed among them, and
   - the obligations of their state
         are so ill-understood.

God grant they may not count
    that to be virtue which is sin,
          (not esteem as virtue,
            that which is actually sin)
       as I did so often!

It is very difficult to make people understand this;
it is necessary our Lord, Himself,
    should take the matter seriously
           into His own hands.

7. If parents would take my advice,
   now that they are at no pains
      to place their daughters
   where they may walk in the way of salvation
      without incurring a greater risk
   than they would do
      if they were left in the world,

let them look at least at that
   which concerns their good name.

Let them marry them to persons
   of a much lower degree,
rather than place them in monasteries of this kind,
  unless they be of extremely good inclinations,
and God grant that these inclinations
  may come to good!
or let them keep them at home.

If they will be wicked at home,
   their evil life can be hidden
           only for a short time;

but in monasteries
    it can be hidden long,
and, in the end, it is our Lord that discovers it.

They injure not only themselves,
    but all the nuns also.
And all the while the poor things
    are not in fault;
for they walk in the way
    that is shown them.

Many of them are to be pitied;
   for they wished to withdraw
         from the world, and,
thinking to escape from the dangers of it,
and that they were going to serve our Lord,
   have found themselves in ten worlds at once,
       without knowing what to do,
       or how to help themselves.

Youth and sensuality and the devil
   invite them and
   incline them to follow certain ways
     which are of the essence of worldliness.
They see these ways, so to speak,
     considered as safe there.

8. Now, these seem to me
to be in some degree
         like those wretched heretics
    who will make themselves blind, and
    who will consider that which they do
         to be good,
     and so believe, but without really believing;
   for they have within themselves
     something that tells them it is wrong.

9. Oh, what utter ruin!
   utter ruin of religious persons

I am not speaking now
     more of women
     than  of  men

(but of)
  where the rules of the Order are not kept;
  where the same monastery offers two roads:
     - one of virtue and observance,
     - the other of inobservance,
    and both equally frequented!

          I have spoken incorrectly:
          they are not equally frequented;

    for, on account of our sins,
        the way of the greatest imperfection
            is the most frequented;
        and because it is the broadest,
           it is also the most in favour.

The way of religious observance
   is so little used,
that the friar and the nun
     who would really begin
      to follow their vocation thoroughly
          have reason to fear
              the members of their communities
          more than all the devils together.

They must be more cautious,
    and dissemble more,
  when they would speak of that friendship with God
           which they desire to have,
  than when they would speak
     of those friendships and affections
           which the devil arranges in monasteries.

I know not why we are astonished
   that the Church is in so much trouble,
when we see those,
   who ought to be an example
         of every virtue to others,
   so disfigure the work
         which the spirit of the Saints departed
                wrought in their Orders.

May it please His Divine Majesty
  to apply a remedy to this,
  as He sees it to be needful!
Amen.

10. So, then,
when I began to indulge in these conversations,
  I did not think,
          seeing they were customary,
    that my soul must be injured and dissipated,
          as I afterwards found it must be,
          by such conversations.

I thought that,
         as receiving visits was so common
             in many monasteries,

  no more harm would befall me thereby
        than befell others,
          whom I knew to be good.

I did not observe
  - that they were much better than I was, and
  - that an act which was perilous for me
        was not so perilous for them;

and yet I have no doubt
    there was some danger in it,
were it nothing else
    but a waste of time.

11. I was once with a person
   it was at the very beginning
        of my acquaintance with her
when our Lord was pleased
 - to show me that these friendships
        were not good for me:
- to warn me also,
        and in my blindness, which was so great,
- to give me light.

Christ stood before me, stern and grave,
       giving me to understand
   what in my conduct
       was offensive to Him.

I saw Him
         with the eyes of the soul
   more distinctly than I could have seen Him
         with the eyes of the body.

The vision made so deep an impression upon me,
     that, though it is more than twenty-six years ago,
 I seem to see Him present even now.

I was greatly astonished and disturbed,
   and I resolved not to see that person again.

12. It did me much harm
   that I did not then know
        it was possible to see anything otherwise
           than with the eyes of the body;

   so did Satan too, in that
        he helped me to think so:
        he made me understand
             it to be impossible,
        and suggested
            that I had imagined the vision
            that it might be Satan himself
              and other suppositions of that kind.

For all this,
   the impression remained with me
        that the vision
          - was from God,
          - and not an imagination;
   but, as it was not to my liking,
          I forced myself to lie to myself;

   and as I did not dare
      to discuss the matter with any one,
   and as great importunity was used,
      I went back to my former conversation
                with the same person, and
                with others also, at different times;

   for I was assured that there was no harm
                in seeing such a person,
        and that I gained,
                instead of losing,
           reputation
                by doing so.

I spent many years in this pestilent amusement;
  for it never appeared to me,
      when I was engaged in it,
  to be so bad as it really was,
      though at times I saw clearly
  it was not good.

But no one caused me the same distraction
  which that person did
      of whom I am speaking;
and that was because
      I had a great affection for her.

13. At another time, when I was with that person,
we saw,   
                   both of us, and others
                   who were present also saw,
      something like a great toad
            crawling towards us,
                   more rapidly than such a creature
                   is in the habit of crawling.

I cannot understand
       how a reptile of that kind could,
              in the middle of the day,
       have come forth from that place;
       it never had done so before, 

but the impression it made on me was such,
       that I think it must have had a meaning;

       neither have I ever forgotten it.

Oh, the greatness of God!
with what care and tenderness
       didst Thou warn me in every way!
and how little I profited by those warnings!

14. There was in that house a nun,
       who was related to me, now grown old,
               a great servant of God, and
               a strict observer of the rule.

   She too warned me from time to time;
   but I
         - not only did not listen to her,
         - but was even offended,
            thinking she was scandalized without cause.

I have mentioned this in order
  - that my wickedness and
       the great goodness of God might be understood,
     and
  - to show how much I deserved hell
         for ingratitude so great,
     and, moreover,
         if it should be our Lord's will and pleasure,
         that any nun at any time should read this,
   - that she might take warning by me.

I beseech them all, for the love of our Lord,
   to flee from such recreations as these.

15. May His Majesty grant I may
       undeceive some one of the many
         I led astray when
 - I told them there was no harm in these things, and
 - assured them there was no such great danger therein.

I did so because I was blind myself;
   for I would not deliberately lead them astray.

By the bad example I set before them,
     I spoke of this before,
  I was the occasion of much evil,
    not thinking I was doing so much harm.

16. In those early days, when I was ill,
and before I knew how to be of use to myself,
  I had a very strong desire
         to further the progress of others:
      a most common temptation of beginners.

With me, however, it had good results.

Loving my father so much,
  I longed to see him in the possession of that good
     which I seemed to derive myself from prayer.

I thought that in this life
  there could not be a greater good than prayer;

and by roundabout ways, as well as I could,
  I contrived make him enter upon it;
    I gave him books for that end.

As he was so good, I said so before, 
  this exercise took such a hold upon him,
that in five or six years, I think it was,
  he made so great a progress
     that I used to praise our Lord for it.
It was a very great consolation to me.

He had most grievous trials of diverse kinds;
  and he bore them all with the greatest resignation.
He came often to see me;
  for it was a comfort to him
       to speak of the things of God.

17. And now that I had become so dissipated,
   and had ceased to pray,
   and yet saw that he still thought
          I was what I used to be,

I could not endure it, and so undeceived him.

I had been a year and more
         without praying,
  thinking it an act of greater humility
         to abstain.

This,
            I shall speak of it again,
   was the greatest temptation I ever had,
because it very nearly wrought my utter ruin;

   for, when I used to pray,
      if I offended God one day,
   on the following days I would recollect myself,
      and withdraw farther from the occasions of sin.

18. When that blessed man,
                  having that good opinion of me,
           came to visit me,
    it pained me to see him
           so deceived as to think
    that I used to pray to God as before.

So I told him
     that I did not pray;
but I did not tell him why.

I put my infirmities forward as an excuse;

for though I had recovered from
         that which was so troublesome,
     I have always been weak, even very much so; and
though my infirmities are somewhat
     less troublesome now
        than they were,
     they still afflict me in many ways;

specially, I have been suffering for twenty years
      from sickness every morning, 
   so that I could not take any food till past mid-day,
      and even occasionally not till later;

   and now, since my Communions
       have become more frequent,
   it is at night, before I lie down to rest,
       that the sickness occurs,
       and with greater pain;

   for I have to bring it on
      with a feather, or other means.
   If I do not bring it on, I suffer more;
      and thus I am never, I believe, free from great pain,
   which is sometimes very acute,
      especially about the heart;
   though the fainting-fits are now but of rare occurrence.

   I am also, these eight years past,
      free from the paralysis,
      and from other infirmities of fever,
          which I had so often.

   These afflictions I now regard so lightly,
       that I am even glad of them,
    believing that our Lord in some degree
       takes His pleasure in them.

19. My father believed me
   when I gave him that for a reason,
        as he never told a lie himself;

   neither should I have done so,
        considering the relation we were in.

I told him,
         in order to be the more easily believed,
  that it was much for me to be able to attend in choir,
      though I saw clearly
  that this was no excuse whatever;

neither, however, was it a sufficient reason
  for giving up a practice which
       - does not require, of necessity, bodily strength,
       - but only love and a habit thereof;

yet our Lord always furnishes an opportunity for it,
        if we but seek it.

I say always;
   for though there may be times,
         as in illness, and from other causes,
         when we cannot be much alone,
   yet it never can be but there must be opportunities
      when our strength is sufficient for the purpose;

and in sickness itself, and amidst other hindrances,
   true prayer consists,
                    when the soul loves,
        -  in offering up its burden, and
        -  in thinking of Him for Whom it suffers, and
        -  in the resignation of the will, and
        -  in a thousand ways which then present themselves.

It is under these circumstances that love exerts itself
   for it is
       - not necessarily prayer when we are alone; and
       - neither is it not prayer when we are not.

20. With a little care,
we may find great blessings on those occasions
     when our Lord,
              by means of afflictions,
          deprives us of time for prayer;

   and so I found it
           when I had a good conscience.

But my father,
            having that opinion of me which he had,
            and because of the love he bore me,
    believed all I told him;
    moreover, he was sorry for me;

   and as he had now risen
              to great heights of prayer himself,
         he never remained with me long;

   for when he had seen me, he went his way,
         saying that he was wasting his time.

   As I was wasting it in other vanities,
         I cared little about this.

21. My father was not the only person
    whom I prevailed upon to practise prayer,
          though I was walking in vanity myself.

When I saw persons fond of reciting their prayers, I
    - showed them how to make a meditation, and
    - helped them and
    - gave them books;

    for from the time I began myself to pray,
                 as I said before,
        I always had a desire that others should serve God.

I thought, now
        - that I did not, myself, serve our Lord
               according to the light I had,
        - that the knowledge His Majesty had given me
               ought not to be lost, and
        - that others should serve Him for me.

I say this in order to explain
     the great blindness I was in:
          going to ruin myself,
          and labouring to save others.

22. At this time, that illness befell my father
             of which he died; 
it lasted some days.
I went to nurse him, being
              more sick in spirit
              than he was in body,
   owing to my many vanities

       though not,
                   so far as I know,
           to the extent of being in mortal sin
      through the whole of that wretched time
           of which I am speaking;

for, if I knew myself to be in mortal sin,
  I would not have continued in it on any account.

I suffered much myself during his illness.
I believe I rendered him some service
    in return for what he had suffered in mine.

Though I was very ill, I did violence to myself;
and though in losing him
       I was to lose all the comfort and good of my life
               he was all this to me,
   I was so courageous,
       that I never betrayed my sorrows,
               concealing them till he was dead,
               as if I felt none at all.

It seemed as if my very soul were wrenched
   when I saw him at the point of death
my love for him was so deep.

23. It was a matter for which
    we ought to praise our Lord
        the death that he died, and
        the desire he had to die;

        so also was the advice he gave us
            after the last anointing,
        how he charged us
            to recommend him to God, and
            to pray for mercy for him,
        how he bade us
                serve God always, and
                consider how all things come to an end.

       He told us with tears how sorry he was
            that he had not served Him himself;
         for he wished he was a friar
              I mean,
                that he had been one in the Strictest Order
              that is.

I have a most assured conviction that our Lord,
      some fifteen days before,
   had revealed to him he was not to live;
   for up to that time, though very ill,
      he did not think so;

   but now, though he was somewhat better,
   and the physicians said so,
       he gave no heed to them,
   but employed himself in the ordering of his soul.

24. His chief suffering consisted
              in a most acute pain of the shoulders,
          which never left him:
          it was so sharp at times,
              that it put him into great torture.

I said to him, that
    as he had so great a devotion to our Lord
             carrying His cross on His shoulders,
    he should now think
        that His Majesty wished him to feel somewhat
            of that pain which He then suffered Himself.

   This so comforted him, that I do not think
        I heard him complain afterwards.

25. He remained three days without consciousness;
but on the day he died,
      our Lord restored him so completely,
   that we were astonished:
he preserved his understanding to the last;
for in the middle of the creed, which he repeated himself,
   he died.
He lay there like an angel
           such he seemed to me,
           if I may say so,
    both in soul and disposition:
           he was very good.

26. I know not why I have said this,
   unless it be for the purpose of showing
      how much the more
         I am to be blamed for my wickedness;

for after  
       seeing such a death, and
       knowing what his life had been,
   I, in order to be in any wise
             like unto such a father,
      ought to have grown better.

His confessor, a most learned Dominican,
           (Fr. Vicente Barron)
            used to say that
       he had no doubt he went straight to heaven.
He had heard his confession for some years,
      and spoke with praise
            of the purity of his conscience.

27. This Dominican father,
      who was a very good man, fearing God,
           did me a very great service;
      for I confessed to him.

He took upon himself the task
     of helping my soul in earnest, and
     of making me see the perilous state I was in.

He sent me to Communion once a fortnight;
and I, by degrees beginning to speak to him,
          told him about my prayer.

He charged me never to omit it:
that, anyhow,
     it could not do me anything but good.

     I began to return to it
        though I did not cut off the occasions of sin
     and never afterwards gave it (prayer) up.

My life became most wretched,
   because I learned in prayer
        more and more of my faults.

   - On one side, God was calling me;
   - on the other, I was following the world.

   All the things of God
        gave me great pleasure;
   and I was a prisoner
        to the things of the world.

It seemed as if I wished
    to reconcile two contradictions,
        so much at variance one with another
        as are
            - the life of the spirit and
            - the joys and pleasures
                    and amusements of sense.
28. I suffered much in prayer;
   for the spirit
        - was slave, and
        - not master;

and so, I was not able to shut myself up within myself
   that was my whole method of prayer
          - without shutting up
          - with me a thousand vanities
        at the same time.
        (the vanities and distractions stayed with her
           during prayer)

I spent many years in this way;
    and I am now astonished
that any one could have borne it
    without abandoning either the one or the other.

I know well that
     it was not in my power then
         to give up prayer,
because He held me in His hand
    Who sought me
         that He might show me greater mercies.

29. O my God!
if I might, I would speak
      of the occasions
          from which God delivered me,
          and how I threw myself into them again;

      and of the risks I ran
           of losing utterly my good name,
               from which He delivered me.

I did things to show what I was;
and our Lord
           - hid the evil, and
           - revealed some little virtue
                  if so be I had any
                  and made it great in the eyes of all,
      so that they always held me in much honour.

For although my follies came occasionally into light,
   people would not believe it
        when they saw other things,
        which they thought good.

The reason is, that He Who knoweth all things
   saw it was necessary it should be so,
         in order that I might have some credit given me
   by those to whom in after years
         I was to speak of His service.

His Supreme Munificence regarded
  - not my great sins,
  - but rather
          -- the desires I frequently had
                   to please Him, and
          -- the pain I felt because I had not the strength
                   to bring those desires to good effect.

30. O Lord of my soul!
How shall I be able to magnify the graces
   which Thou, in those years, didst bestow upon me?

Oh, how, at the very time that I offended Thee most,
   Thou didst prepare me in a moment,
            by a most profound compunction,
      to taste of the sweetness
            of Thy consolations and mercies!

In truth, O my King, Thou didst administer to me
   the most delicate and painful chastisement
       it was possible for me to bear;

   for Thou knewest well
         what would have given me the most pain.

  Thou didst chastise my sins
         with great consolations.

  I do not believe I am saying foolish things,
     though it may well be that
         I am beside myself whenever I call to mind
     my ingratitude and my wickedness.

31. It was more painful for me,
          in the state I was in,
    to receive graces,
          when I had fallen into grievous faults,
    than it would have been to receive chastisement;

for one of those faults, I am sure,
      used to bring me low, shame and distress me,
              more than many diseases,
              together with many heavy trials,
         could have done.

For, as to the latter,
    I saw that I deserved them;
             and it seemed to me that
    by them
         I was making some reparation for my sins,
             though it was but slight,
         for my sins are so many.

But when I see myself receive graces anew,
    after being so ungrateful
              for those already received,
    that is to me
                      and, I believe, to all
                      who have any knowledge
                      or love of God
            a fearful kind of torment.

We may see how true this is
    by considering what a virtuous mind must be.

Hence my tears and vexation
    when I reflected on what I felt,
        seeing myself in a condition to fall
           at every moment,
    though my resolutions and desires then
                I am speaking of that time
            were strong.

32. It is a great evil for a soul
                to be alone
                in the midst of such great dangers;

it seems to me that
     if I had had any one
           with whom I could have spoken of all this,
        it might have helped me not to fall.

I might, at least, have been ashamed before him
  and yet I was not ashamed before God.

33. For this reason, I would advise
              those who give themselves to prayer,
    particularly at first,
       - to form friendships; and
       - converse familiarly,
              with others, who are doing the same thing.

It is a matter of the last importance,
   even if it lead
             only to helping one another by prayer:
   how much more,
             seeing that it has led to much greater gain!

Now, if
    in their intercourse one with another, and
    in the indulgence of human affections
             even not of the best kind,
       men seek friends with whom they
               may refresh themselves, and
               for the purpose of having greater satisfaction
                    in speaking of their empty joys,

   I know no reason
     why it should not be lawful for him
        who is beginning to love and serve God in earnest
              to confide to another his joys and sorrows;
     for they who are given to prayer
         are thoroughly accustomed to both.

34. For if that friendship with God,
                      which he desires,
               be real,
                      let him not be afraid of vain-glory;

       and if the first movements thereof assail him,
              he will escape from it with merit;

 and I believe that he
       who will discuss the matter with this intention
            - will profit both himself
                    and those who hear him,
                and thus,
            - will derive more light for his own understanding,
                    as well as for the instruction of his friends.

He, who
            in discussing his method of prayer,
       falls into vain-glory
        will do so also
           when he hears Mass devoutly,
         if he is seen of men,
        and in doing other good works,
           which must be done
           under pain of being no Christian;

and yet these things must not be omitted
   through fear of vain-glory.

35. Moreover, it is a most important matter
              for those souls who are not strong in virtue;
              for they have so many people,
                          enemies as well as friends,
                   to urge them the wrong way,
             that I do not see
              how this point is capable of exaggeration.

It seems to me that
     - Satan has employed this artifice and
     - it is of the greatest service to him
   namely, that men

         who really wish to love and please God
                should hide the fact,

         while others, at his suggestion,
                make open show of their malicious dispositions;

                and this is so common,
                       that it seems a matter of boasting now,
                and the offences committed against God
                       are thus published abroad.

36. I do not know
    whether the things I am saying are foolish or not.

If they be so, your reverence will strike them out.

I entreat you to help my simplicity
     by adding a good deal to this,
because the things that relate to the service of God
    are so feebly managed,
        that it is necessary for those who would serve Him
               to join shoulder to shoulder,
        if they are to advance at all;

for it is considered safe
     to live amidst the vanities and pleasures of the world,
     and few there be
           who regard them with unfavourable eyes.

But if any one begins
         to give himself up to the service of God,
    there are so many to find fault with him,

that it becomes necessary for him to seek companions,
    in order that he may find protection among them
        till he grows strong enough
                 not to feel what he may be made to suffer.
If he does not,
    he will find himself in great straits.

37. This, I believe, must have been the reason
   why some of the Saints withdrew into the desert.

And it is a kind of humility in man
  - not to trust to himself,
  - but to believe that God will help him in his relations
          with those with whom he converses;

    and charity grows by being diffused;
    and there are a thousand blessings herein
          which I would not dare to speak of,
       if I had not known by experience
            the great importance of it.

It is very true that
    I am the most wicked and the basest of all
      who are born of women;

but I believe that
   he who,
          -  humbling himself, though strong,
          -  yet trusteth not in himself, and
          -  believeth another
                  who in this matter has had experience,
       will lose nothing.

Of myself I may say that,
     if our Lord had not
            revealed to me this truth, and
            given me the opportunity of speaking
                    very frequently to persons given to prayer,
       I should have gone on falling and rising
            till I tumbled into hell.

I had many friends to help me to fall;
but as to rising again,
         I was so much left to myself,
   that I wonder now I was not always on the ground.

I praise God for His mercy;
  for it was He only
       Who stretched out His hand to me.

May He be blessed for ever! Amen.
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