Chapter 8 - Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila - The Life of Teresa of Jesus

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of  the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

 Chapter 8

Questions / Topics
   to keep in mind
   as we read along:

1). St. Teresa stated that she
"spent nearly twenty years on that stormy sea,
 ...falling... and rising".

1a). What was the "strife and contention"
        that she suffered 
         for "nearly twenty years" ?
         [ Life: Ch. 8: # 2, 4 ]

1b). How did she "trace distinctly
         the great mercy of our Lord to me"?
         [ Life: Ch. 8: # 2, 5 ]

2a). How does St. Teresa define, "Mental Prayer" ?
        [ Life: Ch. 8: # 7]

2b). What does St. Teresa say are
         the blessings possessed by
         "he, who gives himself to (mental) prayer" ?
           [ Life: Ch. 8: # 5, 6, 7, 9 ]

3a). If love is to be true and "lasting friendship",
         what "certain dispositions are necessary" ?
           [ Life: Ch. 8: # 5 ]

3b). What does St. Teresa say is
          the obstacle to this love and friendship?
           [ Life: Ch. 8: # 7 ]

3c). What , then, does St. Teresa advise the soul
          regarding its limitation in loving God?
           [ Life: Ch. 8: # 7 ]

4). What advise does St. Teresa give regarding prayer?
        [ Life: Ch. 8: # 6, 9, 10, 11, 13, 18 ]

5a). For what does St Teresa "wish"?
         [ Life: Ch. 8: # 8 ]

5b). How does St. Teresa describe
         the merciful and patient love
         that God has for the soul?
          [ Life: Ch. 8: # 8, 13, 14 ]

6). What advise does St. Teresa give
        regarding the occasions of sin?
         [ Life: Ch. 8: # 14, 15, 16]
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The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus,
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

CHAPTER 8

Describes:
- Of the great advantage she derived
   from not entirely abandoning prayer
    so as not to lose her soul;
- and what an excellent remedy this is
   in order to win back what one has lost.
- She exhorts everybody to practise prayer,
- and shows what a gain it is,
    even if one should have given it up for a time,
    to make use of so great a good.

- The Saint Ceases Not to Pray.
- Prayer the Way to Recover What Is Lost.
- All Exhorted to Pray.
- The Great Advantage of Prayer,
    even to Those Who May Have 
     ceased from It.
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1. It is not without reason
       that I have dwelt so long
           on this portion of my life.

I see clearly that it will give no one pleasure
    to see anything so base;
  and certainly I wish those
          who may read this
       to have me in abhorrence,
   as a soul so obstinate and so ungrateful to Him
         Who did so much for me.

    I could wish, too, I had permission to say
          how often at this time I failed
                  in my duty to God,
          because I was not leaning
                 on the strong pillar of prayer.

I passed nearly twenty years on this stormy sea,
      falling and rising, but rising to no good purpose,
         seeing that I went and fell again.

My life was one of perfection;
      but it was so mean,
  that I scarcely made any account
           whatever of venial sins;

  and though of mortal sins I was afraid,
     I was not so afraid of them
            as I ought to have been,
  because I did not avoid the perilous occasions of them.

I may say that it was the most painful life
     that can be imagined,
  because I had no sweetness in God,
     and no pleasure in the world.


2. When I was in the midst
         of the pleasures of the world,
the remembrance of what I owed to God
         made me sad;

and when I was praying to God,
    my worldly affections disturbed me.

This is so painful a struggle,
      that I know not how
          I could have borne it
                - for a month,
                - let alone for so many years.

Nevertheless, I can trace distinctly
        the great mercy of our Lord to me,

   while thus immersed in the world,
           in that I had still the courage to pray.

          I say courage,
             because I know of nothing in the whole world
                which requires greater courage
                     than plotting treason against the King,
                knowing that He knows it,
              and yet never withdrawing from His presence;

       for, granting that
          we are always in the presence of God,
          yet it seems to me
             that those who pray are in His presence
                    in a very different sense;

       for they, as it were, see
           that He is looking upon them;

       while others may be for days together
           without even once recollecting that God sees them.

3. It is true, indeed, that during these years
         there were many months, and,
         I believe, occasionally a whole year,
      in which I so kept guard over myself that
           - I did not offend our Lord,
           - gave myself much to prayer, and
           - took some pains, and that successfully,
                not to offend Him.

I speak of this now,
       because all I am saying is strictly true;
    but I remember very little of those good days,
       and so they must have been few,
          while my evil days were many.

Still, the days that passed over
    without my spending
               a great part of them in prayer
          were few,
     unless I was very ill, or very much occupied.

4. When I was ill, I was well with God.
I contrived that those about me
     should be so, too, and

I made supplications to our Lord for this grace,
  and spoke frequently of Him.

Thus, with the exception of that year
     of  which I have been speaking,
        during eight-and-twenty years of prayer,
   I spent more than eighteen in that strife and contention
     which arose out of my attempts
                 to reconcile God and the world.

As to the other years, of which I have now to speak,
   in them the grounds of the warfare,
         though it was not slight,
      were changed;

but inasmuch as I was, at least, I think so
       - serving God, and
       - aware of the vanity of the world,
   all has been pleasant, as I shall show hereafter. 


5. The reason, then,
       of my telling this at so great a length is that,
             as I have just said,
  - the mercy of God and my ingratitude,
     on the one hand, may become known; and
  - on the other, that men may understand
       how great is the good
           which God works in a soul
       when He gives it a disposition
           to pray in earnest,
              though it may not be so well prepared
                as it ought to be.

If that soul perseveres
             in spite of sins, temptations, and relapses,
                 brought about in a thousand ways by Satan,
  Our Lord will bring it at last,
                       I am certain of it,
         to the harbour of salvation,
               as He has brought me myself;
                       for so it seems to me now.

   May His Majesty grant I may never go back and be lost!

He who gives himself to prayer
   is in possession of a great blessing,
       of which many saintly and good men have written
                     I am speaking of mental prayer
                       glory be to God for it;

       and, if they had not done so,
             (if Saints hadn't written books about prayer)
             I am not proud enough,
                    though I have but little humility,
               to presume to discuss it.


6. I may speak of that which I know by experience;
     and so I say,
        let him never cease from prayer
              who has once begun it,
                   be his life ever so wicked;
            for prayer is the way to amend it,
               and without prayer
                  such amendment will be much more difficult.

       Let him not be tempted by Satan,
                  as I was,
               to give it up, on the pretence of humility;

       let him rather
              believe that His words are true Who says that,

if we truly repent, and resolve never to offend Him,
       He will take us into His favour again,
                  give us the graces He gave us before,
                             and occasionally even greater,
                       if our repentance deserve it.
                       [ Ezech. 18; 21, 28 ]

And as to him who has not begun to pray,
     I implore him by the love of our Lord
          not to deprive himself of so great a good.


7. Herein there is nothing to be afraid of,
        but everything to hope for.

    Granting that such a one does not advance,
        nor make an effort to become perfect,
        so as to merit the joys and consolations
              which the perfect receive from God,

      yet he will by little and little
            attain to a knowledge of the road
                  which leads to heaven.

   And if he perseveres,
             I hope in the mercy of God for him,
        seeing that no one ever took Him for his friend
             that was not amply rewarded;

for mental prayer is nothing else, in my opinion,
        but being on terms of friendship with God,
            frequently conversing in secret with Him
               Who, we know, loves us.

Now, true love and lasting friendship
    require certain dispositions:
     - those of our Lord, we know, are absolutely perfect;
     - ours, vicious, sensual, and thankless;
           and you cannot therefore, bring yourselves
                    to love Him as He loves you,
            because you have not the disposition to do so;

            and if you do not love Him,
                yet, seeing how much it concerns you
                         to have His friendship,
                         and how great is His love for you,
                    rise above that pain you feel
                         at being much with Him
                         Who is so different from you.

            (One suffers when they are aware
                    of their own limited ability to love God
                 Who loves us greatly).

8. O infinite goodness of my God!
I seem to see Thee and myself in this relation to one another.

O Joy of the angels! when I consider it,
    I wish I could wholly die of love!

How true it is that
     Thou endurest those who will not endure Thee!

Oh, how good a friend art Thou, O my Lord!
   how Thou comfortest and endurest,
     and also waitest for them
         to make themselves like unto Thee,
     and yet, in the meanwhile,
         art Thyself so patient of the state they are in!

Thou takest into account the occasions
       during which they seek Thee,
     and for a moment of penitence
        forget their offences against Thyself.


9. I have seen this distinctly in my own case,
and I cannot tell why the whole world
     does not labour to draw near to Thee
         in this particular friendship.

The wicked, who do not resemble Thee,
   ought to do so,
       in order that Thou mayest make them good,
   and for that purpose
       should permit Thee to remain with them
           at least for two hours daily,
           even though they may not remain with Thee
       but, as I used to do,
           with a thousand distractions, and
           with worldly thoughts.

In return for this violence which they offer to themselves
   for the purpose of remaining in a company
      so good as Thine
          for at first they can do no more,
          and even afterwards at times
    Thou, O Lord,
       defendest them against the assaults of evil spirits,
                whose power Thou restrainest,
                           and even lessenest daily,
       giving to them the victory over these their enemies.

So it is, O Life of all lives,
   Thou slayest none that
         put their trust in Thee, and
         seek Thy friendship;
    yea, rather,
    Thou sustainest their bodily life in greater vigour,
         and makest their soul to live.


10. I do not understand
   what there can be to make them afraid
     who are afraid to begin mental prayer,
   nor do I know what it is they dread.

The devil does well to bring this fear upon us,
   that he may really hurt us by putting me in fear,
      he can make me cease from thinking
          of my offences against God,
          of the great debt I owe Him,
          of the existence of heaven and hell, and
          of the great sorrows and trials
                (which) He underwent for me.

That was all my prayer, and had been,
    when I was in this dangerous state, and

  it was on those subjects
        I dwelt whenever I could;

and very often, for some years,
  I was more occupied
     - with the wish to see the end of the time
        (that) I had appointed for myself to spend in prayer,
     - and in watching the hour-glass,
   than with other thoughts that were good.

If a sharp penance had been laid upon me,
  I know of none that
    I would not very often have willingly undertaken,
  rather than prepare myself for prayer
      by self-recollection.

And certainly the violence
     with which Satan assailed me was so irresistible,
     or my evil habits were so strong,
        that I did not betake myself to prayer;

and the sadness I felt
       on entering the oratory was so great,
    that it required all the courage I had
       to force myself in.

They say of me
    that my courage is not slight,
and it is known
   that God has given me a courage
          beyond that of a woman;
   but I have made a bad use of it.

In the end, our Lord came to my help;
and then, when I had done this violence to myself,
   I found greater peace and joy
     than I sometimes had when I had a desire to pray.


11. If, then, our Lord bore so long with me,
                     who was so wicked
    and it is plain that
               it was by prayer all my evil was corrected
         why should any one,
                       how wicked soever he may be,
             have any fear?

Let him be ever so wicked,
    he will not remain in his wickedness
              so many years as I did,
       after receiving so many graces from our Lord.

Is there any one who can despair,
        when He bore so long with me,
    only because
        I desired and contrived to find 
           - some place and
           - some opportunities for Him to be alone with me
       and that very often against my will?

        for I did violence to myself,
            or rather our Lord Himself did violence to me.

        ( she felt she forced herself to pray,
           or rather, against her will, the Lord led her.)

12.
If, then, to those
     who do not serve God,  but rather offend Him,
            prayer be all this, and so necessary, and
if no one can really find out any harm it can do him, and
if the omission of it be not a still greater harm,
    why, then, should they abstain from (prayer)
           who serve and desire to serve God?

Certainly I cannot comprehend it,
    unless it be that men have a mind
         to go through the troubles of this life
                  in greater misery, and
         to shut the door in the face of God,
     so that He shall give them no comfort in it.

I am most truly sorry for them,
     because they serve God at their own cost;

for of those who pray,
    God Himself defrays the charges,
         seeing that
            for a little trouble He gives sweetness,
          in order that, by the help it supplies,
           they may bear their trials.


13. But because I have much to say hereafter
   of this sweetness, which our Lord gives
          to those who persevere in prayer,
       I do not speak of it here;

only this will I say:
    prayer is the door to those great graces
which our Lord bestowed upon me.

If this door be shut,
   I do not see how He can bestow them;
for even if He entered into a soul
      to take His delight therein,and
      to make that soul also delight in Him,
   there is no way by which He can do so;

   for His will is, that
      such a soul should be
           - lonely and pure,
           - with a great desire to receive His graces.

If we put many hindrances in the way,
    and take no pains whatever to remove them,
      how can He come to us, and
      how can we have any desire
        that He should show us His great mercies?


14. I will speak now
for it is very important to understand

   - of the assaults
         which Satan directs against a soul
             for the purpose of taking it, and

  - of the contrivances and compassion
         wherewith our Lord labours
             to convert it to Himself,
                 in order that men may behold His mercy, and

  - the great good it was for me
         that I did not give up
                  -- prayer and
                  -- spiritual reading, and

  - that they may be on their guard against the dangers
         against which I was not on my guard myself.

  - And, above all, I implore them
         for the love of our Lord, and
         for the great love with which
            He goeth about
               seeking our conversion to Himself,
    to beware of the occasions of sin;

             for once placed therein,
                - we have no ground to rest on
                - so many enemies then assail us,
                - and our own weakness is such,
                         that we cannot defend ourselves.


15. Oh, that I knew how to describe
    the captivity of my soul in those days!

I understood perfectly that I was in captivity,
    but I could not understand the nature of it;

neither could I entirely believe
    that those things
        which my confessors did not make so much of
    were so wrong
        as I in my soul felt them to be.

One of them I had gone to him
             with a scruple
     told me that,
       even if I were raised to high contemplation,
              those occasions and conversations
                were not unfitting for me.

This was towards the end,
     when, by the grace of God,
I was withdrawing more and more
    from those great dangers,
    but not wholly from the occasions of them.


16. When they saw
             - my good desires, and
             - how I occupied myself in prayer,
          I seemed to them to have done much;
             but my soul knew that this was not doing
                what I was bound to do for Him
                        to Whom I owed so much.

I am sorry for my poor soul even now, because
     - of its great sufferings, and
     - the little help it had from any one
          except God, and
     - for the wide door that man opened for it,
          that it might go forth to its pastimes and pleasures,
   when they said that these things were lawful.



17. Then there was the torture of sermons,
    and that not a slight one;
       for I was very fond of them.

If I heard any one preach well and with unction,
    I felt, without my seeking it,
         a particular affection for him,
    neither do I know whence it came.

Thus, no sermon ever seemed to me so bad,
         but that I listened to it with pleasure;
    though, according to others who heard it,
         the preaching was not good.

If it was a good sermon,
     it was to me a most special refreshment.

To speak of God, or to hear Him spoken of,
    never wearied me.

I am speaking of the time after I gave myself to prayer.

At one time I had great comfort in sermons,
      at another they distressed me,
   because they made me feel
      that I was very far from being
           what I ought to have been.


18. I used to pray to our Lord for help;
   but, as it now seems to me,
I must have committed the fault
  - of not putting my whole trust in His Majesty,
     and
  - of not thoroughly distrusting myself.

I sought for help, took great pains;
   but it must be that I did not understand
   - how all is of little profit
        if we do not root out all confidence
                 in ourselves,
        and place it wholly
                 in God.

I wished to live,
     but I saw clearly that I was not living,
     but rather wrestling with the shadow of death;
   there was no one to give me life,
   and I was not able to take it.

He Who could have given it me
      had good reasons for not coming to my aid,
   seeing that
             He had brought me back to Himself
                  so many times, and
             I,  as often,  had left Him.

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