Chapter 9 - The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus - Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila

 THE LIFE OF THE HOLY MOTHER
       TERESA OF JESUS

       "The Life"

The Life of St. Teresa of Jesus
of the Order of Our Lady of Carmel

Chapter 9

Topics/Questions
to keep in mind
as we read along:

1). St. Teresa spoke
    about her repentance for her sins.
She described how an image of the suffering Christ
   was "so devotional" and how it "moved" her.
Briefly summarize what she said.
  [ Life: Ch. 9: # 1 ]

2). What did she say
       about her devotion to St. Mary Magdalene?
        [ Life: Ch. 9: # 2 ]

3). What did she say
       about her devotion to St. Augustine?
        [ Life: Ch. 9: # 8 ]

4). What is St. Teresa 's Method of Prayer?
        [ Life: Ch. 9: # 4 ,5, 6, 7 ]

5). How did St. Teresa realize
       that she had made progress?
        [ Life: Ch. 9:   # 3 ]

6). In this chapter, St. Teresa mentions
       another book which she was given.
     She said the Lord must have ordained this gift
       for her own conversion.

6a). What was this book which helped her?
        [ Life: Ch. 9: # 8 ]

6b). What did she learn about herself
          while reading this book?
           [ Life: Ch. 9: # 9 ]

7). How does St. Teresa describe
      her state when her
        "soul obtained great strength
         from His Divine Majesty"?
       [ Life: Ch. 9: # 9, 10, 11 ]

8a). Did St. Teresa ever pray
          for consolations in prayer?
           [ Life: Ch. 9: # 11 ]

8b). What was her reaction
          when she realized what she was doing?
         [ Life: Ch. 9: #11 ]

8c). What, then, does she say did
         dispose her to God's favors?
         [ Life: Ch. 9: # 11 ]

8d). Did St. Teresa think it was lawful
         to ask for consolations?
         [ Life: Ch. 9: #11, 10 ]

9). Did St. Teresa say she derived
       any benefit from her tears?
       [ Life: Ch. 9:   #9, 10, 11 ]

Chapter 9

Describes:
- By what means God began
    to rouse her soul
        and give light in the midst of darkness, and
    to strengthen her virtues
        so that she should not offend Him.
 - The Means Whereby Our Lord Quickened Her Soul,
   Gave Her Light in Her Darkness, and
   Made Her Strong in Goodness.

1. My soul was now grown weary;
and the miserable habits it had contracted
     would not suffer it to rest,
though it was desirous of doing so.

It came to pass one day, when I went into the oratory,
    that I saw a picture which they had put by there,
and which had been procured
    for a certain feast observed in the house.

It was a representation of Christ
    most grievously wounded;
    and so devotional,
that the very sight of it, when I saw it,
    moved me--so well did it show forth that
which He suffered for us.

So keenly did I feel the evil return
   (that) I had made for those wounds,
that I thought my heart was breaking.
   I threw myself on the ground beside it,
     my tears flowing plenteously, and
implored Him to strengthen me once for all,
   so that I might never offend Him any more.

2. I had a very great devotion
       to the glorious Magdalene,
and very frequently used to think of her conversion--
      especially when I went to Communion.

As I knew for certain that our Lord was then within me,
    I used to place myself at His feet,
thinking that my tears would not be despised.

I did not know what I was saying;
    only He did great things for me,
in that He was pleased I should shed those tears,
    seeing that I so soon forgot that impression.
I used to recommend myself to that glorious Saint,
    that she might obtain my pardon.

3. But this last time,
before that picture of which I am speaking,
     I seem to have made greater progress;

for I was now very distrustful of myself,
     placing all my confidence in God.
It seems to me that I said to Him then
     that I would not rise up till He granted my petition.
I do certainly believe that this was of great service to me,
     because I have grown better ever since. 

4. This was my method of prayer:
as I could not make reflections
     with my understanding,
I contrived to picture Christ as within me; 

and I used to find myself the better
      for thinking of those mysteries of His life
           during which He was most lonely.
It seemed to me that the being alone and afflicted,
      like a person in trouble,
must needs permit me to come near unto Him.

5. I did many simple things of this kind;
and in particular I used to find myself most at home
     in the prayer in the Garden,
whither I went in His company.

I thought of the bloody sweat,
     and of the affliction He endured there;
I wished, if it had been possible,
     to wipe away that painful sweat from His face;

     but I remember that I never dared
           to form such a resolution--

my sins stood before me so grievously.
     I used to remain with Him there
as long as my thoughts allowed me,
     and I had many thoughts to torment me.

For many years, nearly every night before I fell asleep,
      when I recommended myself to God,
that I might sleep in peace,
       I used always to think a little of this mystery
         of the prayer in the Garden--

yea, even before I was a nun,
       because I had been told
that many indulgences were to be gained thereby.

For my part, I believe
       that my soul gained very much in this way,
because I began to practise prayer
       without knowing what it was;
and now that it had become my constant habit,
       I was saved from omitting it,
as I was from omitting to bless myself
       with the sign of the cross before I slept.

6. And now to go back to what I was saying
of the torture which my thoughts inflicted upon me.

This method of praying,
   in which the understanding makes no reflections,
hath this property:
   the soul must gain much, or lose.

I mean, that those who advance without meditation,
   make great progress, because it is done by love.
But to attain to this involves great labour,
   except to those persons
whom it is our Lord's good pleasure
   to lead quickly to the prayer of quiet.

I know of some.
For those who walk in this way, a book is profitable,
    that by the help thereof they may
the more quickly recollect themselves.

It was a help to me also
     to look on fields, water, and flowers.
In them I saw traces of the Creator--

   I mean, that the sight of these things
   was as a book unto me; it
   - roused me,
   - made me recollected, and
   - reminded me of my ingratitude and of my sins.

My understanding was so dull,
   that I could never represent in the imagination
either heavenly or high things in any form whatever
   until our Lord placed them before me in another way. 

7. I was so little able to put things before me
by the help of my understanding, that,
     unless I saw a thing with my eyes,
my imagination was of no use whatever.

I could not do as others do,
   who can put matters before themselves
so as to become thereby recollected.

I was able to think of Christ only as man.
   But so it was;
and I never could form any image of Him to myself,
   though I read much of His beauty,
   and looked at pictures of Him.

I was like one who is blind, or in the dark, who, though
       - speaking to a person present, and
       - feeling his presence,
    because he knows for certain that he is present--
    I mean, that he understands him to be present,
                 and believes it--
    yet does not see him.

It was thus with me when I used to think of our Lord.
   This is why I was so fond of images.

Wretched are they who, through their own fault,
   have lost this blessing;
it is clear enough that they do not love our Lord--
   for if they loved Him,
they would rejoice at the sight of His picture,
   just as men find pleasure
when they see the portrait of one they love.

8. At this time, the Confessions of St. Augustine
were given me.
    Our Lord seems to have so ordained it,
for I did not seek them myself,
    neither had I ever seen them before.

I had a very great devotion to St. Augustine,
  because the monastery in which I lived
when I was yet in the world was of his Order; 
  and also because he had been a sinner--

for I used to find great comfort in those Saints whom,
  after they had sinned,
Our Lord converted to Himself.

I thought they would help me,
   and that, as Our Lord had forgiven them,
so also He would forgive me.

One thing, however, there was that troubled me--
   I have spoken of it before  --
Our Lord had called them but once,
   and they never relapsed;
while my relapses were now so many.

This it was that vexed me.
But calling to mind the love that He bore me,
   I took courage again.

Of His mercy I never doubted once,
   but I did very often of myself.

9. O my God,
I amazed at the hardness of my heart
   amidst so many succours from Thee.

I am filled with dread when I see
   how little I could do with myself, and
   how I was clogged,
so that I could not resolve to give myself entirely to God.

When I began to read the Confessions,
   I thought I saw myself there described,
and began to recommend myself greatly
   to this glorious Saint.

When I came to his conversion,
   and read how he heard that voice in the garden,
it seemed to me nothing less than
   that our Lord had uttered it for me:
I felt so in my heart.

I remained for some time lost in tears,
  in great inward affliction and distress.

O my God,
what a soul has to suffer
    because it has lost the liberty it had
      of being mistress over itself! and
what torments it has to endure!

I wonder now how I could live in torments so great:
God be praised Who gave me life,
  so that I might escape from so fatal a death!

I believe that my soul obtained great strength
   from His Divine Majesty,
and that He must have heard my cry,
   and had compassion upon so many tears.

10. A desire
   - to spend more time with Him
          began to grow within me, and also
   - to withdraw from the occasions of sin:
for as soon as I had done so,
   I turned lovingly to His Majesty at once.

I understood clearly, as I thought,
    that I loved Him;
but I did not understand,
    as I ought to have understood it,
wherein the true love of God consists.

I do not think I had yet perfectly disposed myself
    to seek His service
when His Majesty turned towards me
    with His consolations.

What others strive after with great labour,
   our Lord seems to have looked out for a way
         to make me willing to accept--
that is, in these later years to give me joy and comfort.

But as for asking our Lord to give me
    either these things or sweetness in devotion,
I never dared to do it;

the only thing I prayed Him to give me was
  - the grace never to offend Him,
  - together with the forgiveness of my great sins.

When I saw that my sins were so great,
   I never ventured deliberately to ask
      for consolation or for sweetness.

He had compassion enough upon me,
   I think--and, in truth,
He dealt with me according to His great mercy--
  when He allowed me to stand before Him, and
  when He drew me into His presence;

for I saw that, if He had not drawn me,
   I should not have come at all.

11. Once only in my life
do I remember asking for consolation,
   being at the time in great aridities.

When I considered what I had done,
   I was so confounded,
that the very distress I suffered
   from seeing how little humility I had,
brought me that which I had been so bold as to ask for.

I knew well that it was lawful to pray for it;
   but it seemed to me
that it is lawful only for those
   who are in good dispositions,
   who have sought with all their might
              to attain to true devotion--
   that is, not to offend God, and
              to be disposed and resolved for all goodness.

I looked upon those tears of mine
   as womanish and weak,
seeing that I did not obtain my desires by them;
   nevertheless, I believe that they did me some service;

for, specially after those two occasions
   of great compunction and sorrow of heart, 
accompanied by tears, of which I am speaking,
   I began in an especial way
      - to give myself more to prayer, and
      - to occupy myself less with those things
             which did me harm--
             though I did not give them up altogether.

But God Himself, as I have just said,
  came to my aid, and
helped me to turn away from them.

As His Majesty was only waiting
   for some preparation on my part,
the spiritual graces grew in me as I shall now explain.

It is not the custom of our Lord
  to give these graces to any
but to those who keep their consciences
  in greater pureness.